


Under white skies and soft blankets

by ca_te



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, M/M, Memory Loss, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-17
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-10-29 17:18:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/322256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ca_te/pseuds/ca_te
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU inspired by the movie "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"- What happens to Kurt after the day he finds himself on a train to Montauk without even knowing why and meets a guy named Blaine.</p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>I don’t know how it is you are so familiar to me – or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before – in another time, in a different place – some other existence<br/>Lang Leav – “Soul mates”</i>
  </p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to punkkitten2113 over al Lj for the beta and her awesome advices! Rating will go up in the next chapters!

Kurt takes a deep breath leaning against the train’s doors. The rattling of the metal echo through his frame; he blinks. He has never done something like this in his whole life, just few minutes before he was waiting for the train to go to work and now he is standing on a train going to Montauk. It feels stupid and impulsive, and yet oddly right.

  
He thinks about all the sketches piled on his desk at work, about how Damian is going to get mad at him because he didn’t add the last details to the collection, and he feels light, lighter than he has felt for a long time, indeed.

  
The cold wind slaps his face hard; Kurt has the sensation that he should wake up from some kind of dream. The snow gets stuck to his hair, to his eyelashes, but he keeps walking down the road until he is standing at the limits of the beach. His coat and his Alexander McQueen scarf aren’t enough to keep him from shivering to the bone. He feels crazy, as he has never felt in his life before- his fingers curl around his mobile phone in his pocket, but he finds that he doesn’t remember whom he thought to call.

  
He sighs and starts walking; the sand is grey as the sky and Kurt sinks a bit with every step. A weird sensation bubbles at the bottom of his stomach. He fishes his mobile phone out of his pocket and dials Mercedes’ number.

  
“Hey, boo! What’s up?”

  
“Hi, ‘Cedes. I…I just wanted to hear from you.”

  
“That’s sweet of you, Kurtie. But aren’t you supposed to be in the middle of sketching for that deadline?”

  
The wind tugs at his hair.

  
“Well, yeah, but instead I’m in Montauk!”

  
Kurt looks around him; there’s no one else on the beach, it feels a bit like being out of the world.

  
“What? And what are you doing there, boo?”

  
Kurt shrugs even though Mercedes can’t see him.

  
“I…I don’t know, really…”

  
“You sure you’re alright?”

  
“I..I guess so? Well, I’ll go now. I’ll call you later.”

  
“Bye, Boo.”

  
Even though it’s cold and a part of him is screaming at him to go back home for God’s sake, Kurt keeps walking until he ends up in front of a small diner. The paint on the wooden walls is peeling away and the glass of the windows is misted.

  
He sits in a corner and orders a coffee. Looking around the room, he realizes that the place is oddly calming- his shoulders relax from the first time since he hopped on that train, maybe for the first time in weeks. There’s no one else inside, except for a man sat a few tables away; Kurt’s gaze lingers over his hair, curls springing in every direction.

  
When the other man lifts his gaze, Kurt quickly drops his, focusing on the bottom of his mug, not before having noticed the soft hazel shade of the man’s eyes.

  
*

  
Kurt really doesn’t know what got to him today. Waiting for a train to come and bring him back to New York, he looks at the high tension wires cutting through the pale sky; it’s weird how familiar this place feels, even though he has never been here since he moved to New York for college- more or less seven years ago now.

  
*

  
Once on board, he sits and buries his cold hands deeper inside his pockets. He is looking out of the window when the cracking of the old seat in front of him tells him that someone just sat down. He doesn’t like it when people sit too close to him, especially strangers, especially on weird days like today.  
Out of instinct he turns to get a look at the passenger who’ll probably drag him in a really dull and unnerving conversation. He blinks as his gaze lands on the man who was at the diner before. The man has his hands clasped in his lap and is enveloped in a blue coat. He smiles, a small, almost shy smile, and Kurt quirks an eyebrow.

  
“Hi.”

 

The stranger voice is strangely deep and soft. It seems to come right out of an old black and white movie. Kurt shakes his head slightly, he knew that useless conversation would ensue, and yet…yet it’s as though he can’t manage to feel completely annoyed.

  
“Um…hi?”

  
The stranger smiles again, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Kurt feels the tip of his ears growing hotter as the first word that pops into his mind is “cute”.

  
“Er…do you want me to move away?”

  
Kurt is slightly taken aback by the worry in the other man’s voice. He shakes his head, because, even though he finds it quite strange, spending the ride back with this man doesn’t seem such a bad idea. God, he sure has woken up all weird this morning!

  
“Good! You seem someone interesting to talk too, man!”

  
Kurt quirks an eyebrow; no one has called him like that except for Puck back in high school.

  
“Well, thank you, I guess?”

  
The other man nods as he leans forward in his seat- a bundle of energy and a collection of huge grins. Kurt briefly wonders how is it even possible that a person so friendly with strangers exists. Curly Head- because Kurt has this need to address person by names and if they lack by nick names- bites his lower lip.

  
“Do…do I know you from somewhere?”

  
Kurt opens his mouth and then closes it. Now that Curly has stated it, indeed he has the feeling that they’ve already met somewhere. Maybe at the firm? No, the other’s taste in clothes, from what he can tell from the old coat and the bowtie appearing underneath it, wasn’t actually the one of a person who frequented a fashion firm.

  
“No, I don’t think so.”

  
Curly tilts his head to the side, his hair catching the white light splashing through the window.

  
“Mmm maybe you’re right. I’ve the feeling that I’ve seen you already, though.”

  
Kurt shrugs, as he tries to push away a weird buzzing feeling that has took residence in his head.

  
“Oh, I’m Blaine, by the way.”

  
For a brief instant Kurt wonders if he is getting sick because his skin is tingling and, though not completely unpleasant, surely it is weird to feel like this after someone has introduced himself to you, right?

  
“I’m Kurt.”

  
“That’s a nice name, Kurt.”

  
Blaine puts drags the u a bit, and Kurt wonders why he even notices things like this.

  
“Thanks. You sure know how to play the gentleman!”

  
Blaine fakes a hurt expression and Kurt can’t help smiling.

  
“I’ll let you know that I’m a perfect gentleman, Kurt!”

  
“I’m sure you are.”

  
And, God! Why is he even flirting with this stranger? It’s…he doesn’t do this. He presses a hand to his forehead, hoping to have a fever or something.  
Blaine is out of his seat in an instant, his hand pushing Kurt’s away and pressing against his skin. Kurt swallows- his eyes wide and now staring at Blaine’s neck.

  
“Mmm you don’t seem to have a temperature. Are you not feeling well?”

  
Kurt hears Blaine’s words, but all he can think about is why he isn’t pushing Blaine away. He would have screamed to any stranger touching him like that.

  
“I…I don’t know.”

  
Blaine is about to say something when the speaker say that they’re about to arrive at the Central Station. Blaine’s hand slides away from his forehead and Kurt lifts his gaze to look at him- another shy smile is stretching Blaine’s lips. It’s weird how familiar these smiles feel.

  
When they’re out on the platform, Kurt feels heavy, as though he doesn’t want to go back home just yet. Blaine squeezes his shoulder gently.

  
“You promise me you’ll go back home and have a good rest if you’re not feeling well?”

  
“S-sure.”

  
Blaine beams at him before giving a last squeeze.

  
“Alright, see you around then, Kurt!”.

  
“See you around.”

  
The other man has already disappeared among the people moving all around when Kurt adds a whispered “Blaine” that gets instantly swallowed by the sounds of the station.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Kurt sighs and presses the heels of his hands against his closed eyelids. The desk is covered in papers and sketches and samples of fabrics. He only has two days left until the deadline and his brain seems to be oddly numb these days. Usually Kurt is always faster and more focused when things are rushed, but he hasn’t worked properly these last days.

  
His head feels heavy and he knows that he needs to get out of the room, out of the building. If teleporting existed he would  probably be back at home in Ohio already, with Carole and his father taking care of him. He sighs and pushes his chair back. Claire, the secretary, smiles at him when he passes her walking towards the entrance.

  
“Hey, Claire, if someone calls…”

  
“I’ll tell them that you’re busy. Go and take a bit of rest, Kurt.”

  
Kurt flashes her a small smile and then he is out, engulfed by the people walking along the streets, by the incredible mix of sounds that only New York can offer. Claire always talks about a coffee shop just around the corner from the small independent firm for which he works; he has never been there before but he figures that he could only give it a try.

  
The moment he pushes the door open the smell of coffee envelops him; it’s warm inside and the sound of cups on plates fills the air. Kurt waits in line, letting his gaze travel around the room; there are few wooden tables and a couple of sofas, people are sipping coffee and chatting- a low hum twirling around. The walls are covered in old photos of the city; one in particular captures Kurt’s eye, it’s an old picture of Penn Station. He tilts his head to the side, something warm curling at the bottom of his stomach, as though he had already seen that picture with someone who was important, in a place where he felt safe. He briefly wondered if maybe his mother had shown it to him- she used to love New York so much.

  
A small cough makes him realize that he has finally arrived in front of the counter. He turns and he finds himself face to face with Blaine. Kurt blinks, taken aback by how easy the man’s name has remained stuck in his head.

  
“How can I help you s…Kurt!”

  
Kurt blinks and opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He lets his gaze slide over Blaine’s features and over his shirt and the name tag.

  
“Oh, did I get it wrong?”

  
Kurt snaps out of it and shakes his head.

  
“N-no, you remembered right.”

  
Blaine’s grin burns as bright as a light bulb and like the previous time Kurt can’t help smiling back. When someone coughs behind him, Blaine quickly leans forward.

  
“Tell me what you want and I’ll bring it right to your table.”

  
Kurt quickly spots a free table near the window; he sits, his hands on his lap, trying not to look too much at Blaine moving with precision behind the counter, preparing coffees and cappuccinos and whatnot. It’s weird, but when he saw him that day on the train Blaine didn’t give him the idea of being a barista; his eyes were so focused and he seemed so eccentric that he had thought that maybe he was an artist or something like that- maybe his painted nails had misled him.

  
“Hey, there. Sorry it took while.”

  
Blaine slides in the seat right in front of him and pushes a mug of cappuccino towards him.

  
“Loren is covering for me so I have a few minutes free.”

  
Kurt tilts his head to the side; why would this guy take some time off work to talk to him when they just met by chance on a train and barely know each other’s name?

  
“I…why?”

  
Kurt has always been a direct person; it doesn’t always help, but it’s how he is and there’s not much he can do about it.

  
Blaine shrugs, scratching the back of his neck.

  
“Well, I…I don’t know; I felt like talking to you, I guess?”

  
Kurt knows that this shouldn’t make sense, but he can totally understand what Blaine is saying, because it’s exactly how he feels, despite how absurd it may sound or be.

  
“So…Blaine…you work in a really nice place.”

  
He takes a sip of his cappuccino, mentally kicking himself for having said such a lame thing. Blaine is smiling though, and leaning against the back of the chair.

  
“Well, it’s only a part time job. My main interest is music.”

  
Kurt smiles, because obviously his first impression had been the right one.

  
“The painted nails gave you away.”

  
Blaine looks at his fingers and laughs. It’s the first time that Kurt hears him laughing and he loves it. It’s rich and fresh and unlike any other laugh he has ever heard before, except maybe for one that he can’t seem to remember right now. Blaine wiggles his fingers.

  
“It’s called “Lincoln Park at midnight”; isn’t it weird?”

  
It was Kurt’s turn to laugh.

  
“Oh my, it totally is!”

  
Blaine grins.

  
“You’re quite the observer, Kurt!”

  
His eyes sparkle with amusement, and Kurt can’t help relaxing into his chair.

  
“You may say that, indeed. So…music?”

  
Blaine nods, dark curls framing his face.

  
“Yeah I came all the way up to study here. I play here and there and sometimes I write for a music magazine. Nothing big.”

  
Kurt tilts his head to the side, trying to take in as much of Blaine as he can. There’s something about him, some kind of quiet humility, of peaceful brightness; it makes Kurt feel at ease, when he usually finds being around new people extremely difficult.

  
“It sounds like a big deal to me, instead!”

  
The days when he dreamt to become a Broadway star are still perfectly alive at the back of his mind- when he sings in the shower, when his eyes land on some playbill. He remembers how singing made him feel, as though he could hold the world in his hands, because there was nothing that could keep him down, that could chain him. Somewhere along the way, though, that dream had retreated, leaving space for drawings and sketches and, well, Kurt really couldn’t complain. He changed over time, and so did his aspirations- it happened, and yet, now and then, he misses that old dream of his; in the end it was that dream that gave him the strength to leave Lima behind.

  
Something warm and dry covers his hand and Kurt snaps out of his thoughts and lowers his gaze. Blaine’s hand is slightly smaller than his, his skin tanned. When Kurt lifts his gaze, their eyes lock. Blaine quickly removes his hand and clears his throat.

  
“God, sorry! That was inappropriate! But, well, you seemed…upset?”

  
Kurt balls his hand over the wooden surface of the table; it feels embarrassingly cold now without Blaine’s.

  
“I was just thinking. I…I used to sing back in high school.”

  
He never talks about it these days; it feels so far away, almost faded, like old photographs hidden somewhere in an attic.

  
“Really? Me too!”

  
Blaine is now sitting straight in his chair- he makes Kurt think about a spring ready to snap. He wonders how the energy doesn’t ripple through his skin. And it’s weird how he isn’t taken aback in the least; somehow it makes perfect sense that someone like Blaine was in a choir. He seems to radiate his love for music all around; Kurt could easily picture him as the soloist.

  
“I used to be in my school’s glee club.”

  
Blaine’s grin grows even more- and really Kurt has never met someone who smiles like this, so open and huge.

  
“Let me guess, you too?”

  
Blaine nods like a child too enthusiastic to use words.

  
“Yeah! Mine was called The Warblers. Yours?”

  
“New Directions, we were really just a bunch of crazy teens living in the hole that Lima was.”

  
Kurt chews at his lower lip wondering if asking Blaine where he is from would be too much.

  
“You…you said you were from Lima. Ohio, right?”

  
Kurt nods, his hands gripping the mug of now-cold cappuccino a bit tighter.

  
“Well, my family is from Westerville; I grew up in Philadelphia with my grandparents, though.”

  
It’s weird how every single thing that Blaine says makes sense, like pieces of a jigsaw slotting in place. There’s nothing that truly rings new to Kurt’s ears, and, well that’s weird.

  
“You know? I think you have a weird effect on me, Blaine.”

  
“Really? ‘Cause you have got a totally positive one on me. I mean, I’d talk to you for hours!”

  
Kurt tries not to think too much about the heat blossoming on his cheeks. He is about to reply when a girl, probably Loren, calls Blaine name.

  
“Look, I’ve to go back to work now. It was really nice to meet you again.”

  
For an instant, there’s nothing that Kurt wants more than ask Blaine his phone number, simply to have a thread keeping them together, but somehow he can’t bring himself to ask.

  
“It was nice for me too.”

  
He remains there, staring at his half-full mug, before getting up and walking to the door. When he is about to open it, he turns towards the counter, though. Blaine is looking straight at him, he doesn’t lower his head when their gazes meet.

  
“Kurt…would you…would you please come here again?”

  
Kurt feels his lips stretching into a smile.

  
“Sure.”

  
As he walks back to the firm, he feels as though something has just become lighter somewhere deep inside of him.


	3. Chapter 3

The deadline for his work has passed and Kurt hasn’t gone back to the coffee shop. So many times he has wanted to, but the work swallowed him whole, and then, well, then there’s the thought that this thing with Blaine is absurd; it doesn’t seem to fit in what Kurt knows about himself and about his way to react to the outside world.

  
Every time that the thought of Blaine pops into his mind, which is definitely too often, he feels slightly insane. And, then, there’s this kind of fear of letting himself free to gravitate towards Blaine. He doesn’t know him at all and yet the other man has managed to slip into the web of his thoughts so easily.

  
Kurt can’t remember anyone who has managed to have such an effect on him, not even Andrew, and they were together for three years. But, then again, Blaine is so different from all the people whom he has met so far.

  
When they were sitting in front of each other at the café, there had been moments when a simple twitch of his lips when he smiled or the way a word sounded when he said it that made Kurt think about being back at home.

  
It scares him- this thing so new and bright, this desire to get closer to Blaine.

  
It’s Thursday morning when Kurt’s resolve to keep these inexplicable feelings in check crumbles. He has been staring at the sketch of a cocktail dress for the past ten minutes, the tip of his pencil hovering right over the paper without touching it. It’s as though his mind has gone blank, as though all this thinking about what happened that day on the train back from Montauk has wiped it clear.

  
A few days before he was at Rachel’s house, going through a magazine while she was getting ready to go out. His breath had gotten stuck somewhere in between his lungs when he saw a white and black photo of the Empire State Building looking at him from the glossy pages. When he had finally fallen asleep that night, it had been with fragments of Blaine’s smiles twirling in his mind like lost butterflies.

  
He has never been someone who runs away from himself- even when it meant facing the bullying and the name calling- and he knows all too well that there’s only one way of putting a stop to this constant buzzing under his skin.

  
He puts his pencil down and grab his coat. Outside it’s cold, the wind slapping him right in the face as he walks the short distance to the coffee shop. He slips easily through the crowd; he hates how nervous he feels, already wondering if Blaine will be there. What if Thursday is his day off?

  
Before entering the shop he glances through the window- he tries not to think too much about the small squeeze he feels around his heart as he spots Blaine handing a costumer a Styrofoam cup. He takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

  
Blaine is pottering around with the coffee machine. Kurt knows he is probably wearing some stupid expression if the way the blood is rushing in his ears is anything to go by. He tries hard to collect himself while he walks up to the counter, but the moment Blaine turns around and their gazes lock Kurt knows he has done all the work for nothing.

  
Blaine smiles open and unguarded and Kurt already feels the corners of his own mouth lifting up.

  
“Your smile is infectious, you know that?”

  
Blaine laughs.

  
“I’ll take that as a compliment. It’s nice to see you, Kurt.”

  
His expression is serious and Kurt’s cheeks feel hotter as he blushes. For an instant he wants to tell Blaine that he has thought about coming here so many times in the past few days. But he can’t.

  
“Sorry I couldn’t come before.”

  
Blaine shakes his head, curls bobbing.

  
“What can I get you, then? It’s on the house.”

  
“What? Oh no, Blaine, you don’t have to!”

  
“Hey, I’m the barista, right?”

  
Kurt feels his knees almost buckle as Blaine winks at him.

  
“I…um…thanks. I’ll take an espresso, then.”

  
“I’m on my way. Find a seat and I’ll bring it to you, as always.”

  
It’s only an adverb but it hits Kurt like a punch- this easiness between them. Blaine must have realized what he said because his eyes are wide and he is babbling something about being sorry and not meaning always as really always and Kurt can’t help laughing, soft and honest, because there’s no way he could deny how adorable Blaine is when he is embarrassed.

  
“It’s fine, Blaine. I’ll go and find a table.”

  
“The one under the photo of Penn Station is free, and it’s also my personal favorite.”

  
Kurt blinks, because that’s exactly the photo that caught his attention the previous time. He nods and makes his way to the table. As he sits waiting for Blaine, he lets his gaze slide over the people sitting around him; he wonders if Blaine knows some of them, he wonders what Blaine has been up to these days and he finds that he wishes he knew, he wishes he could have a stronger link with him.

  
Blaine arrives holding a cup of espresso and a chocolate cookie- Kurt whispers his thanks feeling warm all over.

  
“Here you are, sir.”

  
Blaine bows; Kurt cocks an eyebrow and smiles.

  
“Oh, then you’re also an actor, Mister Blaine.”

  
“Mister Blaine? That’s mister Anderson to you.”

  
It feels so good to joke with Blaine, that Kurt almost misses the fact that he has revealed his surname.

  
“Then it’s Mister Hummel for you.”

  
Blaine smiles gently.

  
“Look, I can’t sit with you now or my boss will probably have my head, but…do you have a pen?”

  
Kurt blinks, not sure about where Blaine wants to get, but fishes a pen out of his coat’s pocket anyway. Something swings inside of him when Blaine’s fingers brush against his palm; he wonders if he has imagined Blaine’s intake of breath.

  
“Here you are!”

  
Blaine hands him a paper napkin- his mobile number written in a corner, a smiling face beside it. Kurt looks at him, trying to read those hazel eyes of his.

  
“Tomorrow night I’ve got this gig and, well, I thought we could hang out together afterwards? I mean if you want to…I…well just text me if you feel like it, please?”

  
A blush spreads over Blaine’s features and Kurt’s breath stutters at the sight.

  
“I…O-Okay…Thanks.”

  
Blaine smiles and gets up, he is already walking towards the counter when he stops and turns.

  
“I…I’ll be waiting your text then.”

  
Kurt smiles, not trusting his words and takes a sip of his coffee.

  
*

  
Kurt spends most of Friday morning chewing at his lower lip and staring at his mobile phone as though it could eat him alive. He briefly thinks to call Mercedes or Rachel, to ask them what he could do, but somehow he wants to keep Blaine to himself. It’s something that he has to figure out on his own; he sees too much lurking behind those hazel eyes not to try and make something out of the awkward dance he and Blaine have started dancing around each other.

  
His fingers close around his mobile and hold onto it for a  while, as though it was the only thing real left before falling over the edge. He closes his eyes and once more the first thing that flashes behind his eyelids is Blaine with his ridiculous painted nails and soft voice.

  
 _I’d be happy to come over tonight. Where and when? K._

  
He hits send before he can re-think all of it.

  
*

  
The club is cozy and small; the stage is at end of the main room, there are few tables scattered all around and the lights are low. Kurt shifts his weight from left to right; it has been a while since he has last been in a place like this. Andrew didn’t like going to gigs, he was the kind of guy who loved classical music, and, well, Kurt loved him so classical music had to do. He remembers one of the first weekends  he spent in New York, when he was still sharing a small flat with Rachel; they had gone out without an aim and had ended up in a small pub. He doesn’t remember much of the night because they both got spectacularly drunk, but he remembers the atmosphere, the music thrumming low through  his body, running from his toes to the tip of his hair.

  
He looks around, trying to spot Blaine, but he is probably backstage, getting ready to play. Kurt doesn’t know exactly why, but the idea that Blaine seems so dedicated to music and gets to have his own gigs makes something warm curl in his stomach.

  
When Blaine walks on the stage, guitar in his hand, Kurt swallows dry- Blaine’s easy smile, the few shy words he says to introduce himself get stuck somewhere inside of him and Kurt isn’t sure he will ever be able to push them away.

  
Then Blaine starts singing and Kurt can barely breathe. Blaine’s voice is low and warm, like summer sun on bare skin, like winter nights spent in front of the fireplace. And the songs are so rich with promises and slices of life that more than once Kurt has to take long sips of his drink to try to ease the weight of his emotions with the burning of the alcohol down his throat.

  
When Blaine ends his performance Kurt is left with an empty glass and a heart that is so full that it might explode. For a brief instant he wonders if it wouldn’t be better to leave and go back home, but then Blaine is walking towards him, slipping around elbows and shoulders of the people filling the place.

  
“Hey.”

  
Blaine’s smile is soft, some of his curls plastered to his forehead.

  
“Hey.”

  
“Hope it didn’t bore you to death.”

  
Kurt shakes his head, trying to put his thoughts into words.

  
“Not at all! I…your music is truly beautiful…it…”

  
He flips his hands around, the words not being enough how the music has made him feel. Blaine seems to get it, though, because he smiles and reaches out to gently squeeze Kurt’s shoulder.

  
“Thank you.”

  
Kurt blinks and wonders for the umpteenth time how is it even possible that they manage to communicate so easily, as though words are barely necessary.

  
“So, why don’t I buy you another drink?”

  
Kurt nods and follows Blaine to the counter.

  
*

  
They keep talking and sipping their drinks until closing hour- Blaine is full of surprises, he can go from excitedly talking about musicals to talking about his childhood and adolescence.

  
When Blaine is telling him about that time he started singing Teenage Dream in the middle of his parents’ living room in Westerville for the holidays and knocked a vase while jumping on the sofa, Kurt already knows what he is going to say next.

  
“And you spent the afternoon around Westerville looking for a similar vase to replace it.”

  
Kurt blinks as he realizes what he has just said; Blaine looks at him wide-eyed.

  
“How do you know that?”

  
“Um…lucky guess?”

  
It’s nothing big but it confuses Kurt to no end- how could he know? How can he picture Blaine jumping on furniture while singing so clearly, as though he has seen him doing it?

  
He shrugs it off, though, as they get lost in conversation again.

  
*

  
They stand in front of the pub, simply looking at each other and  Kurt can practically feel his nerves crackling with electricity. He wonders what he should say- would it be too much to tell Blaine that he hoped they could see each other again?

  
It’s Blaine who speaks first.

  
“Thanks for coming tonight, Kurt. It was…nice to spend time with you. I…really like it.”

  
He looks beautiful with his cheeks slightly redder and the light of the lamp post sliding over his skin.

  
“I…really like spending time with you too…”

  
Kurt hates himself a bit because he feels like a teenage boy all over again. Blaine rocks back and forth on his heels, chewing at his lower lip.

  
“Is…is there something wrong, Blaine?”

  
He shakes his head.

  
“No…I was just wondering if asking you to go out with me again would be too much?”

  
Kurt’s breath stutters in his lungs.

  
“Of…of course not. I’d love to.”

 

The change on Blaine’s features is evident; he grins, his eyes sparkling.

  
“Great! I’ve the perfect idea for our next date.”

  
Kurt’s heart slams fiercely against his ribcage at the word.

  
“That’s…that’s great.” He whispers breathlessly.

  
Finally Blaine takes a step forward, closing the small distance between them.

  
“It might sound stupid but…would you call me when you get home?”

  
Kurt blinks, looking at the hope swimming in Blaine’s eyes.

  
“S…sure.”

  
Blaine smiles before leaning in and pressing a small kiss on Kurt’s right cheek.

  
The warmth that blossoms in his stomach at the contact almost knocks the air out of Kurt’s lungs.

  
*

  
When he finally is under the covers, Kurt dials Blaine’s number.

  
“You called!”

  
Kurt smiles, even though Blaine can’t see him.

  
“I told you I would, right?”

  
“You did.”

  
Blaine’s voice is warm and happy in his ear. For an instant Kurt wishes Blaine could be there with him, to look into his eyes while they talk, to fall asleep basking in his warmth.

  
“I was still thinking about how nice tonight was.”

  
“Me too…”

  
“And your skin is so very soft.”

  
Kurt feels his cheeks grow hotter.

  
“Thank you, I guess?”

  
Blaine’s laugh swims into his ear.

  
“I probably should go to bed ‘cause I’ve the morning shift tomorrow. But I wanted your voice to be the last thing I heard at the end of the day.”

  
Kurt holds his breath, because no one has ever said something so sweet to him, not even Andrew.

  
 “I…it’s good to hear your voice before going to sleep too.”

  
“I’m happy to hear that! Well, then…good night, Kurt. And remember to keep your schedule free tomorrow evening.”

  
“Of course. You wouldn’t tell me where we’re going by any chance?”

  
“Nope, it’s a surprise!”

  
Kurt chuckles.

  
“Alright, I’ll be looking forward to it then.”

  
Blaine’s voice is soft when he answers.

  
“Me too.”

  
“Goodnight, Blaine.”

  
“Night, Kurt.”

  
Kurt curls up under the covers; something like happiness and excitement twirling inside of him at the thought that he would see Blaine tomorrow. He hasn’t felt like this in ages, he probably never has, and yet it feels so right and perfect.

  
He falls asleep with a smile on his face- the ghost of Blaine’s lips on his cheek making his skin tingle.


	4. Chapter 4

  
Kurt taps his fingers against the steering wheel as some random song swims around in the car. He looks out of the window at Blaine’s apartment block; he tries to imagine how Blaine’s apartment looks like and a small part of him wishes that he could see it soon.  
  
A smile stirs his lips without permission as Blaine opens the door and jogs down the stairs. He is wearing a bright blue coat that seems too big for him and is carrying an old woolen blanket. For the umpteenth time Kurt wonders where the hell they are going. He has tried questioning Blaine all day, sending text after text, but he has always changed the subject, talking about random costumers at the coffee shop or telling him to look up this or that song.  
  
Before opening the car door Blaine knocks on the window and waves, a huge grin on his face and his hair a mess as always. Kurt waves back- he knows all too well that he wouldn’t have done something so apparently silly before meeting Blaine.  
He waits for Blaine to climb inside and throw the blanket onto the backseat, before starting the engine.  
  
“So, would you tell me where we’re going?”  
  
Blaine tilts his head to the side.  
  
“Well, hello to you too!”  
  
Kurt is already starting to feel bad for not having said hello properly when Blaine chuckles.  
  
“I was joking.”  
  
His hand is warm over Kurt’s knee.  
  
“We’re going to the Charles River!”  
  
Kurt blinks.  
  
“What? Are you kidding me? It’s like hours away.”  
  
Blaine’s eyes sparkle with amusement.  
  
“Oh, and you wouldn’t go on a small trip with me?”  
  
He grins teasingly and Kurt has to smile. Somehow he already knew that it wasn’t easy to say no to Blaine, especially not when he was looking at him with those eyes.  
  
“Alright, then. But you don’t get to choose the music.”  
  
Kurt laughs at the indignant sound that escapes Blaine.  
  
“But, Kuuurt! I’m the musician here, remember?”  
  
“You’re also a barista, but I don’t see any mocha here for me.”  
  
Blaine snorts out a laugh.  
  
“You’re impossible, you know that?”  
  
“I’ve been informed of it, yeah.”  
  
Is then that Kurt realizes that Blaine’s hand is still on his knee, tracing lazy circles over the soft material of his trousers. The realization sends butterflies spiraling down his stomach; he grips the steering wheel a bit tighter.  
  
The car ride is long but Blaine hums along with the radio and talks, about the places he would like to visit, and his glee club back in high school. As always he is all bundled up energy and big smiles, but there’s something more lurking under the surface of his shiny eyes, Kurt knows it deep inside and that’s what he wants to reach. He doesn’t know why but he needs to be closer to Blaine.  
  
“And how was your school?”  
  
Blaine is looking at him, wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, and Kurt knows that he could lie, tell him that being in high school was a fantastic experience, but somehow- even though they’ve known each other for just a couple of weeks- he wants Blaine to know.  
  
“Well, it was not a peaceful place, not for me at least.”  
  
He can feel Blaine’s worried gaze on him and he tries to concentrate on the road in front of them.  
  
“Did…did someone…”  
  
Kurt sighs, knowing all too well that he has to finish telling this story.  
  
“Yeah, some guys took up bullying me as their mission. It was…”  
  
“You hated going back there, but you couldn’t let them win, right?”  
  
Kurt needs to turn and to look at Blaine in the face, even though it means diverting his attention from the road ahead. Blaine’s eyes are darker than usual, his expression serious.  
  
“You…it has happened to you too, right?”  
  
Blaine nods and takes in a deep breath. Kurt decides that he doesn’t like it when Blaine is upset; it makes him want to hug him and to find and harm whoever has done something bad to him.  
  
“It…they beat the crap out of me…my parents decided to enroll me in a private school. They were never...you know, alright with who I was, but they couldn’t let their son be beaten up anymore I guess.”  
  
For a foolish instant Kurt wishes he could have grown up with Blaine, he wishes he could have been there to support him, to compensate the pain and the sadness. He knows he has been lucky to have his father by his side. He opens his mouth to speak, but Blaine is talking again.  
  
“I think what you did was very brave. Remaining there, I mean, facing it all.”  
  
Kurt swallows around the lump in his throat, because of course he had the New Directions by his side but he would have given up everything in the world to have someone like Blaine during those high school years- someone who could understand because they were alike.  
  
“I…”  
  
Blaine’s hand is back on his knee gently squeezing. Kurt blinks back the tears that had started to form and smiles when Blaine raises the volume and sings along with the radio.  
  
*  
  
“Blaine, are you crazy?”  
  
Kurt holds his coat closer to his body and eyes Blaine as though he has grown a second head. Blaine simply smiles, snowflakes getting stuck in his curls and between his eyelashes.  
  
“What? Is it the first time that you’ve done something like this?”  
  
“Well, I admit that I’ve never gone walking on a frozen river, no.”  
  
Blaine laughs and grabs Kurt’s hand pulling him along. Kurt realizes that they’ve never held hands before; Blaine’s skin is cold and dry. It feels good against his own.  
  
He grips Blaine’s hand tighter as his feet slip over the frozen surface. It makes Kurt think about the time he went ice-skating with his mother- he was too small to remember every detail, but he remembers his mother’s hand, safe around his own.  
  
“See? It’s not so bad, isn’t it?”  
  
Kurt looks at Blaine in the darkness, but he can spot the small clouds forming in front of his lips as he speaks.  
  
“Want to try standing on your own?”  
  
Blaine starts to move away while Kurt tries to keep him close. In an instant he is hitting the frozen surface and letting out an undignified yelp. Blaine’s laughter fills the night all around them and Kurt almost doesn’t notice how cold the ice is underneath him. Blaine takes his hand and helps him to his feet- they stand in front of each other. The sound of his heart hitting his ribcage seems deafening to Kurt’s ears; he wonders if Blaine can hear it too.  
  
Then Blaine is taking his other hand and pulling him gently, keeping the blanket under his arm; they slide over the dark surface of the river and Kurt feels as though they are walking through the pages of a book, one of those he loved to read when he was a kid, when he imagined what it would be like to find a soul mate.  
  
When they stop, Blaine lays out the old blanket he brought and tilts his head to the side. His voice is gentle when he speaks.  
  
“Would you like to lie here with me?”  
  
Kurt swallows- it is one of the most absurd things he has ever done in his life and yet it makes something unfurl inside of him. He nods and smiles as Blaine beams at him.  
  
They lay down, looking at the stars, snow still falling softly all around, and as Blaine takes his hand Kurt squeezes back.  
  
“I…I’m happy when I’m with you, Kurt. I feel so light, like a balloon.”  
  
Kurt smiles and turns to face Blaine. He has never been good with words, but now that there’s only Blaine and him, under the blanket of the night it’s as though a closed door has opened somewhere inside of him and he needs to give some sort of shape this cumbersome and warm thing that holds him inside. He closes his eyes before speaking.  
  
“It’s…It’s weird how happy I feel right now. It’s…I’m exactly where I want to be.”  
  
He takes in a deep breath; it feels so strange to have his feelings, his thoughts there, put into words, so more real and hanging right over their heads. Blaine shifts beside him and when Kurt opens his eyes again, Blaine’s face is just few inches from his. His eyes are warm and unguarded and something flutters behind Kurt’s sternum.  
  
“May…may I?”  
  
And Kurt doesn’t need to ask what Blaine wants, because right now he would give him everything.  
  
Blaine’s lips are cold and soft against his own, his tongue shockingly warm when it slides around his own. Kurt’s moan sounds deafening in the silence stretching over the frozen surface of the river. He buries his fingers in Blaine’s curls.  
  
When they break the kiss, Blaine remains right there, his breath ghosting over Kurt’s lips.  
  
“I…I want to hold you, Kurt. Hold you and never let go.”  
  
Kurt nods, his cheeks hot.  
  
“Let’s go back home then.”  
  
Blaine smiles and leans in for another kiss.  
  
*  
  
Kurt’s nerves are on fire as he stands on the landing waiting for Blaine to open the door. Once inside, the flat is warm and smells like Blaine’s cologne and cinnamon. Kurt barely has the time to take a look around before Blaine is cupping his face and kissing him. Electricity runs up and down Kurt’s spine; he is positively sure that he has never been kissed like this, as though he was the most beautiful thing in the world.  
  
They stumble towards Blaine’s bedroom and flop down on the bed, like teenagers, like over grown puppies. Blaine kisses him reverently, first the shell of his ear, then the line of his collarbones and Kurt melts underneath him. It feels as though everything inside of him is about to burst- it’s scary and overwhelming and like anything he has ever felt.  
  
Then Blaine presses his face against Kurt’s neck, whispering against his skin- his breath leaving goosebumps in its wake.  
  
“Can…can we just stay like this for a while? I…I thought maybe we could take things a bit slower? This…you, you are too important to rush things…”  
  
Kurt looks at the ceiling and blinks. His heart is beating like a crazy drum- important. That’s exactly what Blaine feels to him too; against every law that has regulated his world so far, because he truly doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but he was sure there was something important about Blaine since the start.  
  
Then Blaine is pulling away to look at Kurt, worry written on his features.  
  
“Oh God, sorry…I freaked you out, didn’t I? I’m sorry, just…”  
  
Kurt can’t help smiling at Blaine’s rambling; he reaches out and cups the other’s man face, brushing his thumb over his cheekbone.  
  
“That’s okay, Blaine. I don’t want to rush things neither.”  
  
When Kurt kisses him he can feel Blaine’s smile against his lips.  
  
*  
  
It has been a while since Kurt has slept with someone, but Blaine’s strong arms feel right around his waist, as does his warm breath against the back of his neck. Kurt lets Blaine warmth lull him to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

_There are tears running down his cheeks, warm against the coldness of the evening air. He grips the steering wheel tighter. The letter lays scrunched up on the passenger seat; the proof that Blaine has done it- erased them, erased him. Flashes of Blaine smiling softly up at him lying on his unmade bed, of his lips kissing his cheek gently to wake him up. It hurts; it hurts everywhere and it’s almost impossible to breathe._

Kurt wakes up with a start, gulping down air. Morning light is seeping through the curtains and it takes a moment for Kurt to realize where he is. His heart slams against his ribcage as Blaine’s warm breath caresses his neck. The calmness that washes over him brushes away the dream he has just had; a lingering bitterness at the back of his mouth is all that remains.

It has been so long since he woke up with someone else by his side, and Blaine’s face is so calm as he snores softly, his curls scattered all around on the pillow. For an instant Kurt wishes that he could remain here forever, under the blankets, with Blaine’s hand curled around his hipbone. But he has to get up and go to work and besides he is sure that he would probably do something stupid and rushed if he keeps basking in the warmth radiating from Blaine’s body.

Carefully he disentangles himself from the warm circle of the other man’s arms. He pads towards the bathroom and closes the door behind his back. It’s only then that Kurt realizes he has found the right room without trying. He blinks at his reflection in the mirror; the bitterness at the back of his mouth is back but he quickly shakes his head and turns on the water.

When he walks back into the room Blaine is still asleep, holding the pillow close to his chest; Kurt smiles softly at the sight. He looks around the room to find some piece of paper to leave a note and his eyes land on a notebook perched on the nightstand. He hesitates for a second but then takes it and flips through the pages trying not to linger of the lines written in Blaine’s neat handwriting. When he finds a blank page he tears it away and quickly jots down few lines.

He has just closed the door of Blaine’s building when he almost collides with a guy with curly blond hair. He is about to mumble an apology but the man is already talking.

“Uh…what…what are you doing here?”

Kurt tilts his head to the side, irritation already creeping on him at the man’s tone.

“Sorry?”

“I mean...uhm…nothing.”

The man is looking at him as though he is some thief who definitely can’t be trusted. Annoyance flares inside of Kurt and he has to use all of his self-control not to snap at the stranger.

“Well, I’ll be going, then.”

The man moves to the side and Kurt quickly walks down the stairs and climbs into his car.

///

Blaine automatically stretches his arm towards the right side of the bed. When his fingers find nothing but emptiness he blinks. Something cold settles at the bottom of his stomach at the thought that maybe Kurt left because he felt uncomfortable after the previous night.   
He knows that maybe he has been too open about what he is feeling, but Kurt had answered, beautiful Kurt with those eyes and those gentle lips. Blaine’s skin still tingles at the memory of the warmth radiating from him as they lay under the stars on the river. He had never taken someone there before.  
He snaps out of his thoughts when he spots the piece of paper on the mattress beside him. The handwriting is elegant and slightly tilted; Blaine runs the tip of his fingertips over the letters before reading.

_Good morning.  
_

_I’m sorry I had to leave. It was nice to wake up beside you. Call me later?  
_

_K_

Blaine doesn’t care if he is grinning like an idiot. He feels light; it’s like being a teenager all over again.

The shrill of the doorbell pierces through the soft haze that has enveloped him while he was thinking of Kurt. He already knows who he is and he knows that he doesn’t want to see him. It probably makes him an asshole and a coward, but all he wants to do is lie in bed and hold the ghost of Kurt’s presence close to him, until the time to go to work in the afternoon comes.

After a while the doorbell stops ringing and Blaine sighs in relief. He lets his eyes drift close, his fingers curled around Kurt’s note.

_Kurt is lying by his side; they’re hiding under a blanket as Blaine used to do when he was a kid. Kurt looks at him and a smile swims in his eyes.  
_

_“You’re beautiful.”  
_

_His voice is merely a whisper but it makes Blaine’s heart spin like a merry-go-round nonetheless. He reaches out to cup Kurt’s face, his skin incrediblysmooth under his fingertips.  
_

_“You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.”_

///

Kurt chews at his lower lip wondering if maybe he hasn’t been too pushy asking Blaine to call him. It’s not his first relationship with a guy, and he isn’t the high school boy he used to be. And yet he has come to care for Blaine so hard and so fast that he can’t do anything else but hold onto the small memories they’ve begun to make together. He knows he shouldn’t, not yet at least, but he really hopes that this could grow and last.  
He sighs, twirling a pencil between his fingers. When his mobile phone starts ringing he almost jumps out of his chair. Blaine’s name flashes on the screen and Kurt feels his cheeks growing warmer.

“Hey.”

If his voice trembles slightly he tries not to think too much about it.

“Hey, there.”

Blaine’s voice twirls in his ear and Kurt’s skin tingles, remembering how lying beside Blaine felt.

“You called.”

“Of course! I woke up and you weren’t here! I kind of needed to hear your voice.”

Kurt ducks his head, even though there’s no one watching him. It’s weird how Blaine manages to say these things and butterflies erupt inside of his stomach. Kurt wonders why he has never felt like this before, even though he spent three years with Andrew. The way he answers to Blaine’s every gesture makes him question what he has felt so far, what he thought he felt for his ex-boyfriend.

He shakes his head, knowing that he is supposed to answer.

“I’m sorry I had to leave. I…I wish I could have waited until you woke up.”

Kurt bites his lower lip, worrying that maybe he has said too much.

“That would have been perfect. Maybe you can make it up to me, though.”

Blaine’s voice is playful and happy over the line and Kurt can’t help smiling.

“Oh, really? Do tell.”

Blaine chuckles and Kurt knows that it’s silly but he feels proud of himself because he has been able to make the other man laugh.

“Well, I was thinking about dinner.”

Something like happiness bubbles up inside Kurt at the thought that Blaine wants to see him again, that whatever has started between them is real.

“It would be an honor, Mr. Anderson!”

“My pleasure, Mr. Hummel.”

Kurt says goodbye to Blaine and puts his mobile back on the desk when his head starts spinning. He blinks but all he can see are black and white dots.

_“He erased me, Rach!”  
_

_“Kurt, please calm down. Maybe…”  
_

_“There’s no maybe, Rachel! He…he took me and all that we had and threw it away!”  
_

_Quinn sat beside him and Rachel on the couch. Her hand was gentle on his shoulder.  
_

_“Kurt…he was hurt, as you were and as you are. You need to move on.”  
_

_“But what if I don’t want to? I…”  
_

_Quinn shook his head and casted a quick look at Rachel before continuing.  
_

_“You need to.”_


	6. Chapter 6

  
Kurt takes a deep breath and then another and another- it feels as though someone has set his lungs on fire. His knuckles are white with the sheer strength he used to grip the desk. What the hell was that?

As he reaches for his mobile phone, he realizes that his hands are shaking. Maybe it’s the stress, maybe it’s just that all the work is driving him insane, but then why has he seen those things? Nothing of what he saw has ever happened, has it? He wants to call someone, Rachel, Quinn or Mercedes, but a small voice right at the back of his mind tells him that he shouldn’t.

Kurt knows he should go back to work, but pain, the sudden anger he was feeling is still there, hidden somewhere. His heart has gained weight because of it. He remains there, clutching his mobile, holding onto it as you hold on a lifeline.

///

Blaine is waiting for the bus to take him to work when Jeremiah walks up to him. He pulls his scarf up to cover his mouth and stuffs his hands deeper into the pockets of his too big coat. He looks at  Jeremiah as he approaches and all he can think of are Kurt’s freckles and the tiny lines that blossom at the corners of his eyes when he smiles.

Kurt is something that he hasn’t been expecting- he used to believe in romance and love at first sight when he was back in high school, but as years slipped by he had come to believe that maybe something like that didn’t exist. He has hoped so many times that he could connect with someone deeper than sex and deeper than simple affection, but every time his heart remained silent.

He met Jeremiah just a month before; he had appeared at the coffee shop and asked out of the blue if they could go out together. Blaine had been taken aback and he was about to refuse, when Jeremiah had leaned forward and whispered right into his ear, “You’d make me the happiest person on Earth.” It was cheesy, but it had switched something inside of him; the soft sensation of a memory sliding over his skin, but he hadn’t been able to grab it.

Despite that small moment, though, being around Jeremiah is no different from what Blaine has experienced with his previous relationships- if he can even call them that. Nothing clicks when they kiss and when Jeremiah tries to touch him- it makes Blaine feel uncomfortable in his own skin. That’s why Blaine has kept the distance and fought so hard for his own space. He knows he has stuck around the other guy because of the loneliness settled right at the center of him like a black hole. But now things are different; it’s simply that he doesn’t know how to put an end to this without hurting the other man.

 “Hey.”

Blaine tries to smile, but he is positively sure that it came out more like a grimace than anything else.

“Hi.”

“So, uhm…I came by last night, but you weren’t at home.”

Blaine swallows; he opens his mouth to speak, but Jeremiah is already rummaging in his backpack and fishing out something wrapped in red paper.

“Nevermind! Here, I brought you a present.”

Blaine stiffens; why do things have to be so difficult?

“W-What is it?”

Jeremiah blinks, his mouth opening and closing, before he whispers something that Blaine struggles to get.

“Well…I don’t know…”

Blaine tilts his head to the side not understanding what the other man is getting at.

“Just…just open it.”

Sighing, Blaine complies. It’s a blue notebook, one of those handmade ones. It’s beautiful and Blaine doesn’t know what to say.

“I…”

The sound of the bus approaching reaches his ears and Blaine can’t help feeling relieved.

 “I…I’ve to go, sorry. Thank you, though, this is…beautiful.”

Jeremiah beams at him and Blaine has to avert his gaze because he can’t help comparing Jeremiah’s smile with Kurt’s. He quickly climbs on the bus without looking back.

While he sits on the bus, he runs a finger over the leather of the cover and a dull ache settles around his heart. It’s similar to what he felt when he was a kid and his grandmother had died, a longing deep and constant. He wonders what he is missing so much that it hurts.

As he closes his eyes against the sensation, those words echo again in his mind, “You’d make me the happiest person on Earth”. He has to gulp down air when a flash of Kurt’s grey eyes crosses his thoughts, scattering them all around.

///

Kurt knows that going out with Blaine tonight is a horrible idea. Everything is still so messed up inside his head- it had never happened to him; well who the hell gets visions for real? Wasn’t that supposed to be something that happened only in movies or books? Maybe he is going crazy? How on Earth can you have memories of something that you didn’t experience?

His feet keep moving on their own accord as he paces back and forth in his living room. There’s this need to see Blaine, settled deep inside his bones, and he can’t shake it off no matter what. Even though after what he has seen- the taste of fear and sorrow still a faint echo at the back of his throat- he isn’t sure of how he might react to being around the other man.

*

He spends the whole ride on the subway staring at the dark walls of the tunnels speed by outside of the windows. Anxiety bubbles up in his stomach; he wants nothing more than rewinding time and going back to how things were in the morning when he woke up beside Blaine and everything felt perfect.

Maybe perfection is something that he is not supposed to experience, he thinks bitterly as the train starts to slow down approaching his stop. He shakes his head, knowing that he is being ridiculous, worrying so much about something that isn’t real.

*

Blaine is waiting for him in front of a small Italian restaurant; Kurt spots him easily, dark curls and easy smile. Something knots up right behind his lungs and he wonders if maybe he can still turn and run away.

“Hey.”

Blaine’s smooth and gentle voice grounds him, though, and Kurt allows himself to think that maybe things could be alright. He takes a step back when Blaine moves forward to kiss him; even though it feels so wrong he can’t help it.

They sit in front of each other and Kurt doesn’t know what to do with his hands; he sets them on the tablecloth, but when Blaine is about to reach out to entwine their fingers together Kurt drops them back on his lap. He has never felt like this around the other man, so unsure about what he is supposed to do or say. It’s unsettling and it makes him want to scream.

“Kurt? Are you alright?”

Kurt lifts his gaze and forces himself to look at Blaine in the eyes.

“I…I’m fine, yes.”

Blaine chews at his lower lip and Kurt knows that he can see right through his fake smile. He hates that Blaine manages to do that because he feels so exposed and at the same time it sends butterflies twirling in his stomach because he has never met someone who could do that, who could see what he keeps inside so easily.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Blaine lays his hand on the table cloth, keeping his palm up, and Kurt knows that he is waiting for him to take his hand, but he just can’t and it pains him to realize it.

“I…I don’t know.”

He wishes he hadn’t seen the flash of hurt in Blaine’s eyes.

“Did…did I do something wrong?”

And Blaine’s voice is so low and broken that Kurt wants to punch himself. Why can’t he react differently, why does he have to give so much meaning to a stupid hallucination?

“No, Blaine, you didn’t do anything wrong I swear!”

Blaine swallows and stiffens in his chair, dragging his hand closer to his body.

“Then why do I feel as though I’ve lost you?”

Kurt opens and closes his mouth. _Why do I feel like we have already lost each other?_

“Look, I…I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it either, I…”

His lungs feel too tight to breathe properly and all of sudden he knows what he has to do with striking clarity.

“I’m really sorry, Blaine. I have to go.”

He feels like an asshole but he can’t bring himself to wait for an answer; he simply stands up and flees out of the restaurant.

His lungs burn all the way back to the subway’s station; only when he is finally seated on the train does he allows the tears to fall. Confusion and longing tangle up inside him.

Once at home, he doesn’t think twice before taking a bottle of wine out of the kitchen cabinet and opening it. He usually doesn’t drink, at least not alone, wearing his pajamas and sitting on the couch in his dark living room. He is grateful for the strong taste of alcohol in his mouth, for the warmth spreading through his body, though. He keeps drinking until his sight blurs slightly and what he sees is not his living room anymore.

_“Why do you have to always be like this!”  
_

_Blaine’s eyes are flashing with anger, his fist balled at his sides.  
_

_“Like what?”  
_

_“So uptight, so worried about projects and future, not giving a shit about us!”  
_

_Kurt feels his blood boil along his veins as he takes a step forward, his voice high when he speaks.  
_

_“If you haven’t noticed I worry because I do give a shit about us!”  
_

_“Then why do I keep having the sensation that I’ve lost you? Lost you to your stupid job and to your stupid jealousy!”  
_

_Kurt does his best to push the thought of Sebastian aside. Even though he feels like screaming at Blaine until his voice is raw, he doesn’t want to fight over him.  
_

_“It’s not about that, and you know it, Blaine! It’s about priorities and getting real, because you can’t keep dreaming about a future with music! You’re not ateenager anymore!”_

_Blaine’s voice is low when he speaks again.  
_

_“Alright, then. We have really lost each other!.”  
_

_Blaine takes his coat and slams the door behind his back; Kurt stands there, his chest rising and falling fast and his heart thundering in his ears._

Kurt blinks, his fingers too weak to hold his glass, and it falls on the couch with a dull thud. He doesn’t understand why it is happening; the only thing that he knows is that it hurts.

He buries his face in his hands and lets his body shake with the force of his sobs.

///

Blaine stares at the empty space where Kurt was sitting; something flexes around his heart. He isn’t surprised to find that it hurts like hell.

Once he is back at home he buries himself under the covers, the smell of Kurt still lingering around him. He want to cry and to scream and to be brave enough to pick up the phone and call him. For an instant he has the sensation that he knows this feeling, this fear of having lost Kurt for real. He shakes his head, his heart heavy in his chest.

When his phone buzzes he almost jumps off the bed, his heart slamming against his ribcage over and over. The disappointment when he sees Jeremiah’s name flashing on the screen is almost unbearable; it settles coldly at the bottom of his stomach.

Without thinking twice Blaine throws his mobile away; he watches as it flies across the room before hitting the wall.  He doesn’t even try to stop the tears; he feels as though he hasn’t cried in so long.

He falls asleep with his clothes still on and dry tears on his cheeks.

_Blaine can’t believe his own ears.  
_

_“Y-you want me to live here with you?”  
_

_“You’d make me the happiest person on Earth.”  
_

_Blaine throws his arms around Kurt’s neck and hugs him tight.  
_

_“You already make me the happiest person in the whole freaking universe!”_

_\---_

A/N: This is the notebook _:)  
_

_   
_


	7. Chapter 7

Kurt wakes up with a thundering headache, curled up on the couch. He feels oddly hollow, as though someone has emptied him. He wishes he could go back in time, wishes Blaine could be there with him, but it is not possible- not after the way he behaved the night before.

He grabs his mobile phone; there are no missed calls or texts from Blaine. He sighs, knowing all too well he is supposed to reach out. He isn’t brave enough to do so, though.

He spends the morning staring at blank sheets of papers, before he decides to leave early. He calls Rachel and on his way to her apartment he thinks about Blaine. He needs to stop thinking about him and the hurt expression in his golden eyes. It was the same expression in those horrible hallucinations Kurt has been having. The one that he wants to kiss away and never see again.

Rachel quirks an eyebrow when she opens the door of her apartment and sees him.

“Kurt, are you alright? You look awful!”

Kurt grimaces and shakes his head. He brushes past her and slumps on the couch.

“ You can’t come here with that face and not answer when I ask you if something’s wrong!”

“Oh, is there a rule against that? I have never heard of it.”

Kurt hates himself a bit, because he knows he is being bitter without sense; Rachel simply wants to help him, but he can’t bring himself to talk about Blaine- every fiber in his being still fights to keep what they have safe, guarded from the rest of the world, as though it would easily break.

“Kurt! It has been a while!”

Kurt turns at the sound of Quinn’s voice; he had forgotten she was going to be back from her business trip. He stands and she hugs him gently. Kurt still can’t help being taken aback by how much she has changed over the years- there are no traces left of the bitterness and the uncertainty that used to be her main characteristic when they all were still in high school. Her smile is clearer and her eyes softer.

She sits on the arm of the armchair beside Rachel who beams at her before taking her hand. Kurt remembers how hard it has been for the two of them to come to terms with what they felt for each other; he remembers the nights spent awake with Rachel curled against his side, confused and scared but so hopelessly in love.

For an instant he feels like someone is twisting his heart; he wonders if he is doing the right thing letting go of Blaine, when he is the only person who has managed to make him feel so alive in years, when he feels as though he isn’t ready to let go, and probably will not be in the foreseeable future.

“So, would you tell us what has happened?”

Kurt takes a deep breath.

“It’s…I was seeing this guy and…”

“Wait! You were seeing someone and you didn’t tell us?”

Rachel crosses her arms over her chest and Kurt can’t help thinking that she looks exactly like the stubborn teenage girl she was back in high school. Quinn shakes her head.

“Look, Rachel, Kurt has the right to keep whatever he wants to himself.”

Rachel glares at her and Quinn smiles, leaning down to press a quick kiss to her lips, before turning towards Kurt.

“Did something happen between you and this mysterious guy?”

Kurt bites his lower lip.

“Well, I…I kind of freaked out the other night and…”

“But, why did you do that? It’s…it’s not something you usually do, just freak out…”

Kurt isn’t surprised by Rachel’s words; they’ve been best friends for years, after all.

“I..I don’t know…he…he is just so much you know? After Andrew I haven’t felt with anyone like I feel around him…no that’s not true…I’ve never felt like this with anyone in my whole life.”

Quinn moves to sit beside him; her fingers are gentle when she takes hold of his hand.

“Kurt, you…”

She looks at him and Kurt has the feeling that she is trying to find the right words. He wonders why she seems to hesitate too much, when she has always been so direct when voicing her opinions.

“Look, it’s probably all in my head. He…he is simply perfect, and I don’t know what I’m so scared of.”

He hates that he has to lie, but it’s not as though he can simply tell them that he is having visions!

It’s Rachel who speaks this time.

“If you want to be with him…just give it a try, Kurt. I have known you for years and I know that when you don’t want to let go of something it means that something is very special for you. I’d say you should hold onto this guy, if he means so much to you.”

Kurt swallows; flashes of Blaine’s grins and of his fingers gently cupping his face rushing through his mind.

“I…I don’t want to let go of him.”

“Then don’t.”

Quinn squeezes his hand and Kurt turns to look at her.

“But be careful and guard your heart, please.”

He nods, looking at his hands balled into fists on his knees and misses the worried look that Rachel and Quinn exchange.

///

Blaine wishes he could sleep forever because waking up with the weight of what happened the night before settled on his stomach is too hard to bear.

He presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids; he doesn’t remember what he has dreamt of, but he hopes that it was something nice, because at least in his dreams he should be allowed to be happy.

When he finally gathers enough strength to get up, he pads over to the corner of the floor where his mobile phone has been lying all night.

There are three missed calls and his heart speeds up unbelievably fast, making his skin tremble with the force of it.

They are all from Jeremiah.

Blaine closes his eyes against the morning light splashing in the room. He needs to fix this. He can’t surrender without even trying. He just has to figure out how.

*

Being at work has never felt so much like being locked in a cage. Blaine keeps smiling at customers and preparing their coffees, but his cheeks ache with the fakeness of it and his fingers feel numb- it’s like moving under water.

He glances over at the window every few seconds, hoping that he would spot Kurt, that he would enter the shop, walk up to the counter and kiss him- like it happens in the movies. But reality is so much more difficult and painful than that; it leaves him waiting and waiting until every single part of his body feels drained.

When the afternoon rolls around Blaine knows that he has to make a plan for real or he is going to go crazy. Around 3pm Wes strolls into the shop for his shift and relief washes over Blaine, because if there’s someone who could give him some good advice that person is Wes.

“What happened? You don’t look too good.”

Blaine shrugs and for the umpteenth time he wonders why he is so easily readable, why he always has to wear his heart on the sleeve.

Wes squeezes his shoulder gently.

“I will ask Lauren if she can cover for us for a second.”

They move to the small backroom where they keep their clothes during their shifts; Wes waits patiently for him to start talking. Blaine focuses his attention on his fingers playing with the hem of his green apron.

“I know that it’s stupid…but there’s this guy I’m seeing, or well I was…”

Wes tilts his head to the side.

“The one that made you have heart-shaped eyes for the past two weeks, you mean?”

Blaine blinks and lifts his gaze to look at his friend.

“Yes, you were _that_ obvious.”

Blaine can’t help smiling, because he knows it’s true; he probably wore a stupid smile on his face every second of the day.

“Yeah, well…the problem is he kind of…freaked out about us and I…I don’t know what I did wrong, just…”

He pushes his fingers through his curls, trying to hold onto something. This is so difficult and he hates it, hates not knowing what to do to get Kurt back.

“Well, maybe there was a misunderstanding? Look, if you want to be with him, you have to make him understand that. Talk to him, because there’s no way silence can help the two of you.”

Blaine nods; he is going to call Kurt and ask him to meet and then he is going to voice all that he has kept bottled up inside during the past weeks, afraid that it was too soon to open up his heart.

“Thanks.”

Wes smiles and stands offering Blaine a hand.

“That’s what friends are for right?”

*

It’s easier said than done, though. Blaine spends the whole bus ride back home clutching his mobile phone in his hands. By the time he arrives at home he is positively sure that he isn’t brave enough to hear Kurt’s voice just yet. He swallows and types out a message, pressing send before he can rethink any of it.

///

Quinn and Rachel ask him to stay for dinner, but Kurt wants nothing more than curl up under the covers and remain there; his whole body feels too heavy.

He has just closed the door of his apartment behind his back when his mobile phone vibrates in his pocket.

From Blaine:  
Hey. Can we talk, please? B.

Kurt sighs, his blood too cold and too hot at the same time. He wants to see Blaine, to hold him again; there’s no way he can deny it. He is grateful that there are mobile phone screens between them, though; the broken edge of Blaine’s voice from the previous night still rang his ears.

To Blaine:  
Alright. Where do you want to meet? K.

From Blaine:  
In front of the coffee shop in a hour? B.

To Blaine:  
Alright. See you there. K.

After setting his mobile phone aside, Kurt feels incredibly vulnerable. He is used to wanting things so much that it hurts- he has wanted New York and freedom, he used to want to sing with all his heart- but this is so different that he constantly feels as though someone has taken the ground from under his feet.

He has an hour left to wait and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Memories of the night he spent with Blaine on the Charles River start dancing around in his mind. He lets them.

///

Blaine stands in front of the coffee shop, rocking back and forth on his heels. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea; what if he doesn’t manage to talk properly, what if words get stuck somewhere in his throat and…

Every thought screaming in his mind falls silent the moment his gaze lands on Kurt. He is wrapped in a navy blue coat, his skin milky white as always- he looks beautiful and Blaine isn’t sure he can even expect someone like him to be worthy of being with such a perfect creature.

Kurt’s eyes spark quietly as he stops in front of Blaine.

“Hi.”

His voice is soft and low and for an instant he seems so much younger that Blaine wonders if he used to be like this back in high school. His fingers tingle with the desire to reach out and touch Kurt, but he can’t so he simply pushes them deeper inside his pockets.

“Hi. I’m glad that you came.”

A shadow crosses Kurt’s eyes but quickly disappears. He doesn’t say anything and Blaine takes a deep breath.

“So, do you want to walk or…”

“Can…can we, please, just sit here?”

And Blaine wonders if it’s normal that he feels as though he can read Kurt’s thoughts in this precise moment. He knows that Kurt wants to remain here because this place is neutral enough to talk honestly but also to feel guarded somehow. That’s why he chose it in the first place.

“Of course.”

They sit down on the steps of the shop, looking at the lit windows of the buildings on the other side of the road. Blaine knows that he has to force the words out; he has never been good at this, since he was just a boy in high school, eager to please adults, to make his father understand that he was worthy of his love even though he wasn’t what his father had dreamt him to be.

He turns and gently takes Kurt’s hand into his; the other man stiffens but doesn’t pull away and Blaine thanks whoever is up there for it.

“Look, Kurt. I…I still don’t understand what happened last night. What I want you to know, though, is that…I want to be with you. I know we haven’t known each other for long, but…you know? There are those moments when you look at someone and all you can think of is oh, there you are, I’ve been looking for you forever. It…it happened to me when I was with you on the river. I felt so stupidly attracted to you since that day on the train back from Montauk, but when we were at the Charles…I just knew that I wanted to be with you.”

Kurt is looking at him, his eyes big and slightly glassy. Blaine has to use all of his self-control not to lean forward and kiss him.

“Whatever the reason you reacted like that last night, please, know that I would never do anything to hurt you or push you away. I…I think I’m quite crazy about you…”

Blaine is positively sure he has never felt more exposed in his whole life; he has never laid his heart bare for someone to throw it away like this. He swallows, focusing his attention on their hands- his olive skin against Kurt’s porcelain.

After what feels like hours, Kurt gently squeezes his fingers and Blaine lifts his gaze. Kurt’s cheeks are slightly redder; Blaine can’t tell if it is because of the cold or because of what he has just said.

“I…since I went back home last night the only thing I could think about was you. I wanted you there and I hated how I behaved, I…I was just confused and scared because…this thing between us is…too intense at times and I’m not used to feeling like this.”

Blaine simply nods, scared that if he speaks Kurt would retreat behind his shield again.

“I…I want to try to be with you too; I really do, if…if you’ll take me back, of course.”

Blaine suddenly feels as though his skin has become too tight to contain what he is feeling. Before he even realizes it, he is leaning forward and gently cupping Kurt’s face.

They kiss softly; Kurt’s lips are cold and soft and Blaine is positively sure that butterflies have taken residence inside him stomach.

When they break the kiss, he remains close, his lips almost brushing against Kurt’s as he speaks.

“Of course, I want you back, silly. There’s nothing I want more than you.”

Blaine thinks that Kurt’s smile would make the moon pale in comparison.

///

It feels so good to have Blaine’s lips against his again. Kurt can’t help thinking that they belong there. Blaine’s tongue is warm and it makes warmth erupt inside of him.

They take the subway back to Blaine’s place, but all that Kurt seems able to register is Blaine’s hand around his own and the solidity of Blaine’s presence beside him on the train.

Blaine smiles at him, his eyes soft and loving and for a foolish instant Kurt thinks that he would gladly marry the man in front of him.

As soon as they have closed the door behind their backs, Blaine is kissing him again, his arms around his neck and his body pressing him against it. Blaine’s weight is real and solid and Kurt feels finally grounded.

They keep kissing and holding onto each other as they stumble to the apartment; every time the bump against a doorframe or a wall Kurt can feel Blaine smiling against his lips.

Blaine’s hands are gentle as he carefully removes Kurt’s clothes; every brush of fingertips against his skin make Kurt’s breath stutter. Kurt tries not to think too much about the way his hands are slightly trembling when he reaches out to tug at the hem of Blaine’s pullover.

They fall backwards onto Blaine’s bed and in an instant Blaine’s hands are sliding over Kurt’s exposed skin, warm and strong and simply perfect. Each single touch seems to make every nerve in Kurt’s body tingle; for an instant he wonders if Blaine could play his body as an instrument.

“Kurt…is…is this alright?”

Blaine’s breath ghosts right against Kurt’s swollen lips; he can feel Blaine’s heartbeat against his ribcage where their chests are touching. In this precise moment Kurt is sure he has never wanted anything as much as he wants not to be able to tell where Blaine finishes and he begins.

He nods and presses a kiss to the corner of Blaine’s mouth.

“I…I want this, Blaine. I…want you.”

Blaine’s smile is almost blinding.

Kurt holds his breath as Blaine slowly trails his fingers down his stomach; when finally Blaine’s hand closes around him, the only word that manages to slip past his lips his Blaine’s name, over and over, like a chant.

Blaine prepares him carefully, pressing wet kisses along the column of his neck as he pushes a first finger and then a second inside of him. The only sound that Kurt manages to hear over the thundering of his heart is Blaine’s breath, heavy and warm against his skin. As Blaine hits that perfect spot inside of him, Kurt is sure that he could live like this, with Blaine all around him.

He looks at Blaine, the soft light in his hazel eyes making his throat feel too tight to breathe properly.

“Blaine…please…”

Blaine kisses him over and over as he positions himself. When finally Blaine enters him in one slow and perfect slide, something terribly similar to love bursts inside of Kurt’s heart; he closes his eyes and grips Blaine’s shoulders as though they are a lifeline- to prevent himself from saying things that he could regret because they are so true that it hurts.

“God! You’re so beautiful, Kurt.”

Blaine’s words are punctuated by warm moans and Kurt, who has always thought to be one of the most imperfect people on Earth, allows himself to believe him.  
His body vibrates with every movement Blaine makes; he can feel everything, from Blaine’s length inside of him, to his heartbeat, and he is sure that he has never been as connected to someone as he is to Blaine right now. That’s why he lets himself go, because he knows that this is the only way he could convey what he feels for Blaine, this inexplicable jumble of affection and longing that has taken up residence in his heart and he is too afraid of voicing out loud.

He keeps holding onto Blaine, their bodies moving as one and kisses him until his lungs burn for the lack of air.

Feeling Blaine coming inside of him is enough to send him spiraling over the edge and he wishes he could live in that white space filled with completeness where Blaine has managed to take him.

///

Blaine tries to remember how to breathe, but his heart is too full and his mind seems filled with clouds. He manages to slip out of Kurt and lies by his side, uncertain of what to say.

Something gets stuck in his throat when Kurt turns towards him and presses a gentle kiss to his temple.

“Kurt…”

And he knows that it sounds too much like a prayer, but he can’t help himself. Kurt’s voice is low when he speaks, his lips brushing against Blaine’s skin.

“Can…can I stay?”

Blaine doesn’t trust his voice not to tremble; he simply nods and slides an arm around Kurt’s waist pulling him closer.

He falls asleep listening to Kurt’s heartbeat.

_Blaine shifts his weight from left to right, anxiety running under his skin, as Kurt unwraps the small box._

_Kurt looks at him, a wide smile stretching his lips._

_“Blaine, this…this is beautiful!”_

_He is slightly breathless and his voice is soft and tender, like when they spend too much time kissing or when he whispers “I love you” buried deep inside of Blaine._

_“I was afraid you would find it silly.”_

_When the idea of making a ring out of gum wrappers popped into his mind, he had felt like some silly teenage boy. But in the end that was how Kurt made him feel- so hopelessly in love that sometimes the world around them didn’t even make sense._

_When Kurt slides his arms around his neck and hugs him tight, Blaine is sure that he could burst with happiness._

_“I love you so much.”_

_Blaine hides his face in the crook of Kurt’s neck._

_“I love you too, babe. So much that sometimes it doesn’t even seem real.”_

///

Kurt’s breath stutters in his lungs as Blaine holds him a bit tighter in his sleep. Blaine’s voice is low when he speaks.

“So much that sometimes it doesn’t even seem real.”

Something contracts inside of him and Kurt gulps down air before turning to look at Blaine. He is still asleep, his lips stretched in a small smile and Kurt wonders what he is dreaming about.

He remains awake, his fingers drawing gentle patterns along the line of Blaine’s spine, as though he needs to remind himself that the other man is there for real.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update! This time I tried to play with Wes' POV. I hope you'll enjoy! :)

Even though he knows that he is behaving like an old grandmother, Wes can’t help spending most of the night half awake, worrying about Blaine.

They met two years before when Blaine started working at the shop- Wes remembers all too well the mugs Blaine broke and the coffees he spilled on that first day.

It had been easy to become closer to Blaine, he was the friend Wes hadn’t managed to have while he was back in high school, because he used to spend most of his time surrounded by books.

That’s why he can’t help tossing and turning in his bed, wondering how things turned out for Blaine with the mysterious guy he is seeing. He would be lying if he denied that he felt a bit left out when Blaine hadn’t told him who the man was, but in the end he can’t bring himself to blame him if he wants to be more careful after what happened with Kurt.

He throws an arm over his eyes, a deep sigh escaping his lungs. He hopes he’ll never have to see Blaine so broken again, even though it means having to carry the weight of those memories for him. Sometimes he wonders how Rachel and Quinn manage to do it for Kurt.

He remembers the day Blaine and Kurt met as though it was yesterday.

∞

It was a Saturday evening at the beginning of June and Wes had dragged Blaine with him to a party in Montauk organized by David, one of his university colleagues. Wes had always been quite reserved, since he was a boy, and that hadn’t changed over time. He wasn’t particularly close to any of his classmates, except maybe for David. Being around Blaine was so much easier.

That evening they were sitting on the stairs that led to the porch of a house on the beach, sipping beer and commenting on the other people at the party. They were laughing at the ridiculous dress a girl was wearing when David came up to them and tugged at Blaine excitedly.

“They’ve got a guitar! You should totally play something for us!”

Wes had laughed at David’s enthusiasm and at Blaine’s embarrassment.

“Oh, look at you, Blainers! Go and give us a show!”

Blaine had grinned at him and nodded.

Wes was sipping what was left of his beer and feeling as though he was back in time as he listened to Blaine playing “Teenage Dream”, when a soft gasp resounded behind him. He turned slowly, wondering what had happened, and his gaze fell on a guy standing right on the step above the one he was sitting on. The first thing that struck him were the man’s eyes; they were of some clear colour he could not pinpoint, gleaming faintly in the fading evening light, focused on Blaine as he played. Probably the guy had realized that Wes was looking at him because he lowered his gaze.

He was wearing a confused expression on his face. Wes smiled politely at him and said he could sit down if he wanted. The guy nodded and sat down; they remained silent as Blaine’s voice kept twirling around them along with the sound of the waves licking at the shore. Then the guy cleared his throat and Wes turned to face him.

“Thanks for letting me sit here. I’m Kurt.”

Wes took the hand Kurt was offering.

“I’m Wes.”

“You’re friends with…”

Kurt tilted his head towards the shore- Wes noticed the faint shade of pink on his cheeks and wondered if he was blushing.

“Oh you mean Blaine? The one who’s singing right now?”

Kurt nodded, a strand of light brown hair falling in front of his face.

“Yes, I know him. I’m the one who dragged him here.”

The song had almost reached its end and Wes turned to look at Blaine and found that he was already looking in Kurt’s direction. Wes smiled to himself.

“He’s pretty good, right?”

Kurt finally turned towards him, his eyes downcast.

“He…he has a very beautiful voice, yeah.”

Blaine smiled as he ended the song and people started clapping and whooping. Wes tilted his head to the side; everytime he saw Blaine’s eyes gleaming and a huge grin on his face, he knew that he was born to perform.

The creaking of the wood snapped him out of his thoughts and he turned just in time to see that Kurt was getting up.

Wes knew that it probably wasn’t his business, but he had seen the way the guy was looking at his friend and he knew that Blaine had been on his own for a while now, after that nasty breakup with Sebastian.

He got up and politely touched Kurt’s forearm to get his attention.

“Hey, wait a second so you can congratulate him in person!”

Kurt blinked.

“Well…I…”

“Congratulate who in person?”

Wes spun on the spot and came face to face with a very flushed Blaine.

“Oh, Kurt here thinks you have a really nice voice.”

He saw Kurt blushing from the corner of his eye, and in that moment he knew that, even though he had never been a social animal, his mother was right when she told him that he was good at reading people. He could feel it, the waves of attraction twirling between Blaine and Kurt as they looked at each other.

“Thank you.”

Blaine’s voice was almost a whisper, softer than Wes had ever heard it.

“Well, I’ll go and find David. Nice to meet you Kurt.”

He started walking towards the shore before either of them could say something.

For the rest of the evening he hung out with some of his university colleagues as Blaine talked to Kurt on the wooden stairs leading to the porch. Half an hour later, though, while Thad was telling some absurd joke he turned to check on his friend but neither him nor Kurt where in sight anymore. He lowered his head trying to hide his smile.

It was only an hour later that Blaine walked up to him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Would…can we go home, please?”

Wes simply nodded, knowing that Blaine would talk to him when he felt ready. They spent the train ride back to New York in silence, Blaine staring out of the window and Wes wondering if he had mistaken everything.

They were walking back to his apartment when Blaine finally spoke.

“I asked him to stay with me tonight. He simply left. I feel so stupid!”

“Well, you sure didn’t lose time!”

“It’s…I looked at him and I felt…Jesus, he was stunning and clever and funny and...”

Wes shook his head.

“I get it, Blaine. I saw how you were looking at him and I also saw how _he_ was looking at you!”

Blaine stopped in his tracks and Wes did the same.

“But…he told me was seeing someone.”

“That I didn’t know, but, well, he wouldn’t have run off with you if he didn’t want to right?”

Blaine looked at him, his eyes wide and hopeful like that one of a child and Wes had to try not to chuckle at the sight.

“You think so?”

“Of course I do!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, though. He left and I don’t even have his number.”

Wes fished out his mobile phone and scrolled down his incoming texts; when he found what he was looking for, he turned it towards Blaine, whose eyes grew wide as moons at the sight of Kurt’s number.

“How…”

“I texted David while we were on the train.”

“But…how did you…”

Wes took in Blaine’s amazed expression and couldn’t help laughing.

“Never underestimate old Wesley!”

A couple of days after a very excited Blaine bounced into the coffee shop; Wes waited for him to get changed and snuck up to him while he was pottering with the coffee machine.

“I guess you heard from him, then?”

Blaine’s lips stretched into the biggest smile Wes had ever seen.

“I texted him and asked him if maybe he wanted to grab a coffee or a drink together. I felt like such a stalker having his number and all!”

Wes huffed out a laugh; he could perfectly imagine Blaine sitting in his room, mobile phone in hand, debating with himself if he should contact Kurt or not.

“And?”

“Well, he said yes! Do you think it’s possible for someone to sound beautiful even over text, Wes? Because that’s exactly how Kurt is!!”

“Oh my, Blainers! You sure are already smitten!”

Smile still in place, Blaine didn’t deny it and even though maybe it didn’t make much sense Wes felt a bit proud because he had been the one to introduce Kurt to Blaine.

A week later a slightly flushed Kurt entered the coffee shop and a grinning Blaine reached over the counter to press a soft kiss to his cheek. Wes beamed at the two of them, thinking that he had never seen Blaine so happy.

The first time he went out with the two of them was for a karaoke night down in Brooklyn, nearby Kurt’s apartment. Quinn and Rachel were there too; even though Rachel rambled nonstop about her promising theatre career, she was incredibly talented and Wes liked listening to her sing. Quinn was somehow calmer and Wes found she had a weak point for literature so he spent most of the night talking with her, nursing a beer in his hands.

When Kurt’s turn to sing came, Blaine scooted closer to Wes.

“It’s the first time that I’ll hear him sing.”

His voice was breathy as though he had been waiting for this moment since Kurt had told him that he used to be part of glee club back in high school- he had been beaming when he told Wes that. Looking at Kurt as he adjusted the microphone and cleared his throat, Wes was certain that he was going to be amazing. He patted Blaine’s shoulder reassuringly and waited for the song to start.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

Kurt’s voice was like untamed water. Wes was sure he had never heard such a peculiar voice before. He liked music, but he usually wasn’t moved by it as Blaine was; it simply didn’t manage to reach that secret place inside of him where he stored his dreams and his regrets. Written words could, but not notes. Listening to Kurt, though, was a completely different experience.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

Blaine had told him about the bullying Kurt had had to endure in school and Wes wondered how many times during his life Kurt had felt like this, waiting for his wings to work, waiting for a chance to break free. He wondered how many times Blaine had felt the same, wanting to escape his father’s expectations.

When the song ended and Kurt bowed, Wes ventured a glance in Blaine’s direction; his eyes were wide and his lips slightly parted. He gently bumped their shoulders together. Blaine blinked and took in a stuttering breath. His voice was barely a whisper when he spoke.

“That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

Wes smiled and squeezed Blaine’s shoulder.

“Indeed.”

Being with Kurt gave Blaine a new kind of brightness; it was in the way he walked, talked and smiled.

Blaine had always been a lively person, energy pulsing deep inside of him and an insatiable eagerness to see and feel the world, but the small things he did with Kurt, like waking up early on Sunday morning to have breakfast in front of Tiffany’s or singing Michael Jackson at the top of his lungs slightly tipsy with an arm slung around Kurt’s waist as they walked back home at 4am, made him _glow_.

They were so good together that at first Wes couldn’t believe it was happening when their relationship started to crack at the edges. It was a combination of factors that left all of them feeling helpless.

Kurt got into an independent fashion firm and let his dream of being a performer slip through his fingers. Wes watched Blaine try not to be too affected by Kurt’s choice, but he knew it was hard. Blaine loved music, but above all he loved the fact that he shared the same dream with Kurt; Wes could see how painful it was for him to see Kurt walk away from their shared hope.

When Blaine’s ex came back, that was the last drop, because it shattered Kurt’s faith in Blaine and the shards cut deeper into Blaine than anything else.

Wes didn’t know much about Sebastian, because he had broken up with Blaine before he started working at the coffee shop. He had always been there, though, a subtle regret behind Blaine’s memories and words.  From what he had been able to guess he was almost sure that Sebastian had cheated on Blaine. Even though it unnerved him that someone had wounded his friend like that, he didn’t ask, he simply accepted Blaine with his smile and his scars.

One night they all went to a pub downtown because Blaine had gotten a gig there. Things were already strained between the two of them, but looking at Kurt while he listened to his boyfriend sing Wes could see  the affection in his eyes, the same longing he had seen that first day on the beach in Montauk. As Blaine’s voice twirled around them, he let himself hope that they could overcome their divergences and understand that what they had was too important to let it go.

Then Sebastian entered the pub and a shiver ran down Wes’ spine; his instinct telling him that there was no way this could end well. Indeed, Sebastian was all over Blaine the moment he got off stage and Wes could perfectly feel the tension radiating from Kurt as he stood stiffly by his side, his eyes not leaving Blaine and the hand Sebastian had pressed to Blaine’s lower back.

Sebastian was back in town to stay and he seemed set on getting Blaine back. Wes hated to see him at the coffee shop almost every day, he hated how confused his presence left Blaine and how hurt the expression in Kurt’s eyes was every time that he saw them together. Once, in one of the rare moments when Kurt managed to open up to him, he told Wes he didn’t understand why Blaine had to allow Sebastian to come close to him, to go back in his life. Wes wished he had answer.

It wasn’t long before Kurt started confronting Blaine about the fact that he kept seeing or hearing from Sebastian. As Wes had imagined, to think that Kurt didn’t trust him enough started to take a toll on Blaine’s emotions.

It was a string of nights spent on the phone with Blaine, letting him vent because otherwise he would explode.

_“I don’t get it, Wes, why doesn’t he trust me anymore?”_

_“You more than anyone else should know how badly Kurt has been hurt in the past, Blaine.”_

_“I would never hurt him, never.”_

_“I know. But maybe he doesn’t.”_

It was a string of mornings at the coffee shop spent waiting for texts from Kurt that never came. Wes had seen through Kurt’s shield right from the start, he had seen how easily Kurt could shut people out when he was scared of losing them; it wasn’t any different with Blaine.

For almost a month Kurt and Blaine tried to patch their relationship, they tried to hold onto each other, but they didn’t know how. They kept failing, scarring each other’s heart in the process. Wes wished he could do something, because he could see how neither Blaine nor Kurt didn’t want to let go.

When it happened it was messy and it left Blaine hollow and hurting. He knocked at Wes’ door in the middle of the night, eyes red and puffy.

_“This time it’s over for real. I lost him, Wes.”_

Wes let Blaine stay at his house for a while, because, even though it hurt to seem his like that, empty and heart-broken, at least that way he could keep an eye on him.

Quinn called him once, asking him how Blaine was and telling him that she hadn’t seen Kurt so broken since high school. Wes’ heart plummeted towards the bottom of his ribcage. In that moment he knew that something needed to be done. Both Blaine and Kurt had received enough wounds, but this was turning out to be the most painful of all and he couldn’t allow Blaine to surrender to it as he knew he had done during high school. For Heaven’s sake, the wounds he had received back then still kept reopening!

On a rainy morning in December he found Blaine sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a leaflet. Quietly, Wes leaned over Blaine’s shoulder to take a look.

_Serenity Clinic._

_We erase the pain and bring you a new life._

Blaine turned towards him, his eyes hard and determined.

“I…I can’t go on like this, Wes.”

Wes swallowed around the lump in his throat and nodded.

The doctor over at the clinic told Blaine to collect everything that reminded him of Kurt and Wes was the one who helped him. He was the one who rubbed soothing circles over Blaine’s back as he sobbed when everything became too much. They spent hours surrounded by the proofs of what Blaine and Kurt had felt for each other, what Wes was sure they still felt- good morning notes Kurt had left for Blaine when he had to get up early to go to work, bus tickets, photographs, dry flowers, random sheets of paper where Blaine had scribbled songs thinking about Kurt.

When evening came there was only one thing that hadn’t disappeared inside the black bags-  a thin red bracelet Blaine kept around his left wrist. Wes knew that Kurt had one too, because they had brought them together at a small stand at the Annex Flea Market on 6th Avenue. Wes remembered the grin on Blaine’s face when he had tied one around Kurt’s wrist. He knew he wasn’t meant to have heard what he had whispered afterwards, but he had caught on anyway, “This is to help you find your way back to me when you spread your wings, blackbird.” Kurt had kissed him there in the middle of the street.

Blaine stretched his left arm towards him, his gaze focused on the floor.

“Cut it, please.”

“Blaine, are you sure?”

Blaine’s eyes were glistening with tears when he lifted his gaze.

“I don’t have a choice. I have to.”

∞

When his alarm clock rings Wes wakes up with a start. He quickly grabs his mobile phone from the nightstand but there aren’t any missed calls or texts from Blaine. As he gets ready to get to class he prays to whoever is up there that things are alright.

When he gets to work after lunch time Blaine is already there, whistling as he hands out cappuccinos and espressos.

“Someone had a nice night!”

Blaine beams at him, eyes big and excited like a child.

“It was perfect! I talked to him and then…”

Wes grins.

“Well, I didn’t ask you for the details, you know?”

Blaine laughs and Wes feels grateful that this mysterious guy has entered his best friend’s life. He has always thought that what Blaine felt for Kurt was too much for him to get attached to someone else so soon, even with his memories erased, but this guy seems to have found a way to reach Blaine’s heart and hopefully he’ll be able to fix it.

“So, where did you two meet?”

“I met him in Montauk, something like three weeks ago.”

A small shiver slips down Wes’ spine- he has learned long ago that coincidences are simply another way for fate to work.

“In Montauk, huh?”

“Yeah! I sat next to him on the train going back to New York.”

He knows that probably asking more questions isn’t a good idea, but he can’t help it.

“And why were you in Montauk?”

“I just felt like it, I guess.”

Wes has wondered many times if the erasure process could manage to be as precise as those at the clinic claimed. In the end memories are part of what defines a person; they get stuck so deep inside that he is positively sure it isn’t possible for them to disappear completely.

He swallows, knowing that there’s only one more question that he needs to ask.

“And what is his name?”

Time seems to stretch as Blaine hands a customer his cup and turns towards him.

“Kurt.”

Wes opens and closes his mouth, unable to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the market where Blaine bought the bracelets :) http://orignauxmoose.com/wp-content/entryimages/NYCflea_maket_234.jpg


	9. Chapter 9

Blaine goes back to pottering around, smiling at the customers isn’t a duty today; it simply comes easy to him, memories from the night before still making his skin tingle.

It feels like being back in the right place, the one he wanted to reach when he was still a kid afraid of disapproval, the same kid that was beaten up so many years ago. The scars remain, Blaine knows as much, but Kurt looks at them, trails his fingers over them soothingly, even though he has his own scars .

As he prepares the umpteenth latte, Blaine finds himself hoping that Kurt won’t leave him, because he is positively sure he has never needed someone as he needs him.

///

Wes chews at his lower lip, his mind racing as he slips through the tables.

What should he do?

He has suspected it could happen, but to hear Blaine saying Kurt’s name again hit him like a slap.

This is real, this is happening and it shows that fate plays tricks and doesn’t let people disrupt what it has created. That what Kurt and Blaine have run too deep to be eradicated. But, even though he knows all of this, he still doesn’t know what he is supposed to do. Somehow he can’t bring himself to tell everything to Blaine, it would shatter him. And who is he to interfere with fate?

Still, it weighs down on him, the fact that he knows, that if something goes wrong again he could be held responsible. The idea pops into his mind as he is handing a Frappuccino to the blond girl sitting at a table reading the last issue of Vogue.

Mumbling that he needs to go to the bathroom, Wes slips into the changing room. As soon as the door clicks behind his back he fishes out his mobile phone and scrolls down his contacts until he finds the name he was looking for: Quinn.

///

Blaine’s face looked so calm and beautiful as he slept, eyes moving behind his eyelids. Kurt lay on his side, looking at him, wishing that he could see what Blaine was dreaming of. He sighed, feeling sure that he has never felt like this for anyone else, especially after what they had shared the previous night. Kurt looked at him and in that moment he realized that to look away from Blaine, after having seen the light in his eyes and the beauty he carried inside so effortlessly, was almost impossible.

Laying on Blaine’s blue sheets, Kurt wished that he could have met him years before, before the wounds he received taught him to curl up on himself, because letting people close was too risky and too painful. As he took in the small smile stretching Blaine’s lip, Kurt allowed himself to think that maybe it wasn’t too late to learn if he had the other man by his side.

*

As he exits Damian’s office after a three-hour conference, Kurt is exhausted; his limbs feel heavy and his head buzzes.

“Oh my, you look terrible, Kurt!”

He flashes a tired smile in Claire’s direction.

“He wouldn’t stop talking! But at least he liked my ideas!”

Claire beams at him.

“I had no doubt about that! You should take a break now, though.”

Kurt nods; he already knows where to go.

As he walks along the street towards the coffee shop, Kurt thinks that he is doing the right thing, letting Blaine in. He is the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to him; he would be a fool to let him slip through his fingers because of some hallucinations, probably due both to stress  and to his stupid insecurities.

Before reaching for the door’s handle he casts a quick look inside, a smile already stretching his lips. What he sees, though, makes him stop in his tracks- his heart going oddly still inside his ribcage, like a broken gear.

Blaine is talking to a guy with blond curls; Kurt only sees his back but it seems to him that he is the same one he met outside Blaine’s apartment block after the night they spent at the Charles River. The man is leaning over the counter, a hand cupping Blaine’s face, their foreheads almost brushing as they speak.

People pass by on the pavement and through the coffee shop’s door, but Kurt barely registers that they exist. The only thing that he can feel is cold and the sensation of something thick bubbling at the bottom of his stomach. He tries to swallow but his mouth doesn’t seem to work properly.

He wishes he could be strong enough to push the door open, walk up to them and make it clear to Blaine that he can’t ask him to give him his heart and then stomp on it like this. He isn’t, though; so he simply turns and leaves, traitorous tears starting to fall.

///

Wes paces back and forth in the small changing room as he waits for Quinn to pick up the phone.

“Hello?”

He takes a deep breath, he hasn’t spoken or seen her and Rachel since Blaine and Kurt decided to go through with the erasure process.

“Hi. It’s Wes.”

There’s nothing but silence coming from the other end of the line.

“Wes? Is…has something happened to Blaine?”

He wishes he could say that everything is alright.

“Well, actually…no, he isn’t alright.”

He hears her quick intake of breath; he has always known that she and Rachel liked Blaine and cared about him. Somehow it is a comforting thought in the middle of this mess.

“What’s wrong?”

Wes thinks about the best way to put this, because if this situation is worrying and stressing for him it would be the same for Quinn and Rachel once they know that Kurt is involved too.

“He is seeing someone…”

“Well, good for him, then. Kurt is seeing someone too.”

Wes almost can’t suppress a smile at Quinn’s protectiveness towards her friend. He takes a deep breath.

“I know.”

“What do you mean?”

“It means I know because they are actually seeing each other again.”

Quinn remains silent for so long that Wes wonders if maybe she has hung up on him. when she finally speaks again her voice is barely a whisper.

“How…how is it possible?”

“I don’t know. Blaine doesn’t seem to remember anything, though. What about Kurt?”

“He…he has been weird recently, but…the last time we saw him he didn’t tell us anything about Blaine.”

Wes clicks his tongue against his teeth, an old habit that kicks in when he is thinking really hard.

“Something must have gone wrong.”

“But what do we do now?”

Wes wishes he could have an answer to that.

“Honestly, I don’t know. What do you suggest?”

“I…I think we should wait and see. People’s emotions and memories are too delicate and theirs are already messed up as it is.”

Wes nods even though she can’t see him.

“I’ll try then.”

Even though it hurts to be so helpless when it comes to his best friend, he doesn’t say it, though. Quinn’s voice is soft when she speaks.

“I know how you feel. It’s hard for me and Rachel too, but let’s just try to do our best and be there for them.”

Wes allows himself a small smile.

“You are right.”

“I’ll keep you posted then and you do the same.”

“Will do.”

Wes exits the changing room just in time to spot Kurt standing outside in front of the door, a shocked expression on his face. He quickly follows his gaze to see Jeremiah leaning towards a very confused and irritated Blaine. He can easily imagine how it could look seeing from the outside, though.

When he turns again Kurt is already gone and something closes around Wes’ heart and squeezes. Even though it’s childish he wishes they could all go back in time. Also because he knows that he won’t be able to step back and observe this time.

///

“Please, Jeremiah you have to let go, I…”

“Blaine, you’re not thinking straight, you don’t even know him!”

It’s like fire burning through his veins, the rage that Blaine feels building inside of him. He reaches over the counter and pushes roughly at Jeremiah’s chest.

“Don’t you dare! Now get out of here; I don’t want anything to do with you!”

He turns, hands balled into fists at his sides.

“Blaine, I…”

Wes’ voice comes like an anchor.

“I think you should leave.”

Blaine flashes him a grateful look, before going back to the coffee machine. Relief settles softly over him at the thought that finally Jeremiah won’t bother him and Kurt anymore. His skin tingles with anticipation, thinking that they are ready to begin now, to start building their story for real.

As time ticks by he can’t help wondering why Wes is looking at him with a slight frown. After he hands an espresso and a plate of biscotti to a young nervous looking man he decides he has had enough.

“Is there something wrong, Wes? You’ve been looking at me all morning with that look you get.”

He huffs when Wes blinks feigning innocence.

“C’mon, you know you can’t pretend with me!”

Wes passes a hand through his short hair and something cold settles at the bottom of Blaine’s stomach, because he has never seen his friend looking so distressed.

“It’s…Kurt was here.”

Blaine’s hands still over the buttons, hovering and twitching slightly.

“What…”

Wes leans closer to him and Blaine is grateful he is trying to keep the conversation private with all the customers sitting in the shop.

“Yes, it means he saw you and Jeremiah and he left…”

Blaine opens and closes his mouth, his mind racing. He looks around the counter.

“I…I have to…”

Wes nods and steps closer.

“I’ll cover you. Call him!”

Blaine flashes him a grateful smile before turning and racing to the backroom to retrieve his mobile phone. He chews at his lower lip as he waits for Kurt to pick up. He doesn’t and Blaine barely manages to stop himself from smashing the phone on the floor.

He blinks back angry tears wondering if up there there’s someone who hates him so much, who wants him to end up with a shattered heart, because having Kurt constantly slipping between his fingers is surely taking its toll on him.

Taking a look at the clock hung on the wall, he hopes he’ll be strong enough to resist for two hours more until his shift is going to end and he’ll be able to rush to Kurt’s apartment.

///

Kurt looks at the caller ID flashing on his mobile’s screen. He bites hard at his lower lip and turns the phone off.

Sitting on the subway, he doesn’t even try to stop the tears; he couldn’t care less about what the other passengers may think right now.

The old woman sitting in front of him seems to tremble, the contours of her face and of the window behind her dissipating. Kurt has learnt what that means and he braces himself for whatever he is going to see this time.

_Blaine looked at him from over his shoulder, a grin stretching his lips._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Making breakfast!”_

_Kurt padded over the stove and peered over Blaine’s shoulder at the amorphous thing cooking on the pan._

_“Is that supposed to be a pancake?”_

_Blaine glared at him, the warm look in his eyes betraying him._

_“I’ll have you know that my pancakes are awesome!”_

_Kurt grinned._

_“Oh, I’m sure they are. Why would I doubt it?”_

_Blaine huffed out a chuckle before pressing a kiss at the corner of Kurt’s mouth._

_Kurt slipped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist._

_“I love that you want to make breakfast for me, though. No one has ever done that.”_

_Blaine flipped the pancake before turning in the circle of Kurt’s arms._

_“I always will.”_

Kurt stumbles out of the subway train, his eyes still unfocused and making it difficult to follow the right path to reach the way out. He wants nothing more than to be safe in his apartment; his skin is prickling and he can feel cold sweat forming on his forehead. He wishes these visions would stop, because he hates seeing things that he can’t have. Blaine is together with someone else, for God’s sake! He has lied to him and yet…yet his heart threatens to burst at the thought that he has to let go of him.

He has just managed to close the door behind his back when his breath stutters in his lungs and he falls on his knees.

_Blaine held his hand tight, so tight that his nails were probably going to leave marks on his skin._

_“We don’t have to, baby.”_

_Blaine looked at him, his eyes sparkling in the light of the lamp hanging over the door._

_“I want to.”_

_Kurt knew that Blaine had never had a good relationship with his parents since he had come out to them on his last year of middle school and he hated to see how their disapproval still had some kind of hold on him, even now that he was a man, beautiful and talented._

_He pulled Blaine closer until their noses were brushing._

_“You are perfect, Blaine. Never forget that.”_

_Blaine’s smile burnt through him._

_“I feel brave enough to do everything when I’m with you.”_

_Kurt kissed Blaine then. It was his way to say that he felt the same, that having Blaine by his side made him feel as though he could rule the world._

Kurt slams the palms of his hands against the hard surface of the parquet. Pain shoots up his arms and he welcomes the dullness of it, grounding as nothing else seems to be lately.

Hoping that the worst has passed he pulls back on his feet and pads over to his room. Outside the sun hasn’t set yet and still he wants nothing more than to crawl under the blankets and remain there, buried under their warmth.

After laying there for what feels like hours, listening to the erratic beating of his shocked heart, Kurt is finally falling asleep when the doorbell pierces through the quiet of the apartment.

Groaning, Kurt drags himself out of bed, dread settling at the base of his spine as he walks towards the door. His stomach contracts almost painfully when he looks through the peephole and Blaine’s hazel eyes are looking back at him.

“Kurt, I know you are in there, please…let me explain.”

Kurt tilts his head back as if it could prevent more tears from falling; he doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to hear any of it. There has been more confusion and pain than anything else. Even though he has seen the promise of happiness in Blaine’s eyes, even though he has felt how perfectly they fit with each other, he isn’t strong enough to endure all of this waiting for the happy part to come.

“I don’t want to hear it, Blaine!”

He is startled when Blaine’s hand slams against the surface of the door.

“Why do you have to be like this?”

“ _Alright, then. We have really lost each other!”_

Kurt blinks as that sentence twirls over and over in his mind, like a reminder, like a regret. Something that is a mix of anger and desperations bubbles up inside of him.

“I am like I am, Blaine. Now go away. I don’t want to see you or hear your voice right now.”

His throat is raw, he feels as though he hasn’t screamed like this in years. A few seconds of silence pass before a soft thud comes from the other side of the door. Kurt wonders it’s the sound of Blaine pressing his forehead again the wood.

“I…I’ll go then.”

Kurt remains silent, listening to the muffled sound of retreating footsteps. It’s a matter of instants before he starts shaking. The trembling doesn’t subside even when he finally is back in bed. A wave of nausea hits him and he closes his eyes, hoping that it will deter the visions. It doesn’t.

_Blaine took his hand and dragged him towards an old house standing at the far end of the beach. Kurt briefly wondered what Alex would think if he knew he was letting a stranger hold his hand, if he knew the way Kurt’s heart was beating faster just because of the contact of their palms._

_When he had agreed to go to David’s party it had been more out of politeness than anything else. He had expected to spend a night making small talk and getting bored and instead he had met Blaine._

_Kurt had never been one to believe in love at first sight. Even if those things existed they didn’t happen to him; with Andrew it hadn’t been any different even though he had been his first boyfriend. The guy he was seeing at the moment, Alex, was really nice but there weren’t sparks between them, never had been._

_Listening to Blaine as he sang had been a completely different story._

_He blinked trying to focus on what Blaine was saying._

_“…see, I’ve always thought that I’ll buy a house like this one when I’ll have enough money.”_

_Kurt took a look at the house; it was old and the plaster was coming off because of the brackish air, but it looked beautiful nonetheless._

_“You know? I used to be really into interior design, I could probably help you fix and decorate it when you’re going to buy it.”_

_And God, was he really flirting?_

_Blaine grinned._

_“Let’s take a look inside.”_

_“But…”_

_Blaine pulled at his hand again and Kurt stumbled to follow him until they stopped in front of the main door and he started to meddle with the lock._

_“Blaine! What…”_

_Blaine turned, a playful smile tugging at his lips._

_“What do you think I’m doing?”_

_Kurt opened and closed his mouth. Needless to say, he had never broken into someone’s private property, but standing there on the beach with the moonlight splashing over the magnetic and beautiful guy in front of him he felt so light and free, as he had never felt before._

_They walked through the rooms of the ground floor. Blaine babbled about a future where he would fill a house with his sheet music and Kurt talked about a future when he would land an audition, stop working as a costume designer here and there and become a Broadway star._

_Blaine stopped in the middle of the dusty living room and turned to face him._

_“I could play for you and you could sing for me.”_

_His voice was calm and deep, his eyes serious in the half-light and Kurt’s heart fluttered against the constraints of his ribcage._

_“I…”_

_Blaine ducked his head and Kurt wondered if he was blushing._

_“Sorry, that came out a bit too forward.”_

_Kurt had the inexplicable urge to let Blaine know that it was alright. He rested his hand on Blaine’s shoulder, squeezing gently._

_“I would love that.”_

_He wasn’t really surprised when he realized that he would truly love singing for Blaine._

_Blaine smiled and covered Kurt’s hand with his own. Kurt swallowed and waited for a few more instants before letting his hand slip back by his side._

_“Let’s explore upstairs!”_

_Kurt chuckled at Blaine’s enthusiasm as he bundled up the stairs._

_“Maybe we should go, though, don’t you think?”_

_“Oh c’mon.”_

_Kurt shook his head and climbed upstairs; Blaine was waiting for him, his arm outstretched and a smile on his face. Kurt hesitantly took hold of his hand, small sparks of something unknown crawling up his arm._

_Blaine’s voice was low when he spoke._

_“Would…would you like to spend the night here with me?”_

_Kurt had to remind himself to breathe, something liquefied inside of him at the thought of Blaine kissing him, holding him. He wanted to know how waking up beside him felt like, what singing to him would be like. Every fiber of his being screamed to say yes. But all of a sudden realization dawned on him- he truly wanted Blaine, like he had never wanted anyone before. Even though it might be silly, he had been daydreaming about them being a couple since he heard him sing a few hours before. He wanted to be able to pour all of himself into it for how silly and dangerous it might be. He didn’t want to be one of those people who hooked up for the night with someone back at home waiting for them._

_“I…I have to go.”_

_As he turned and rushed down the stairs he felt like an idiot but he didn’t look back._

_It was 3am and he was lying awake, his mind filled with memories of warm hands and hazel eyes, when he got a text._

_From: Unknown_

_Hi. It’s Blaine. I got your number from David, I hope you don’t mind. I swear I’m not a stalker! I just wanted to say I’m sorry for tonight, maybe I can amend with coffee? B._

_Kurt had to close his eyes against the wave of happiness and excitement that rushed through him._

_To: Blaine_

_I’m the one who’s sorry (even though you do seem a bit of a stalker :P). Coffee sounds awesome. K._

Kurt grabs fistfuls of sheets and holds onto them. His whole body hurts.

This time everything feels so real, for once he doesn’t feel as though he has imagined things; they are much more present in his mind and in his heart. They feel like memories and as his heart threatens to burst Kurt hopes that he is going crazy because otherwise he doesn’t know which other explanation is possible.

As exhaustion finally wins him over, he is sure that he is going to dream of Blaine.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long to update! I hope there's still someone reading this out there! Chapters 11 and 12 are already planned out and hopefully they'll be out soon! <3

Blaine drags himself down the stairs of Kurt’s apartment block, his limbs feel heavy like rocks and he contemplates the possibility of surrendering and slumping right there. But he can’t, he simply is too close to where Kurt is, Kurt who’s hurting and won’t let Blaine fix it, Kurt who seems the only thing that makes sense anymore.

As he stumbles out of the building, the dying light of the evening hurting his eyes nonetheless, his mobile phone rings. For a torturing instant he hopes it’s Kurt, but it’s Wes’ name that is flashing on the screen. Right now Blaine wants nothing more than being alone, curled up in a ball on his bed, listening to heartbreaking songs to remind himself that he isn’t the only one suffering because love constantly seems out of reach. But he also knows that he should try to hold himself together and Wes, with his calmness and his patience, is probably the only one who could help him to do that.

Slumped on a bench in a dusty small park in front of Kurt’s building, Blaine keeps his gaze focused on Kurt’s bedroom window as he presses the green button.

It shouldn’t be so hard; it shouldn’t be so painful.

“Blaine! How did it go?”

He swallows and tries to blink back the tears that are starting to form again.

“It…I don’t know what to do Wes…he…he won’t listen to me and I…”

“First of all calm down. Take a deep breath.”

Blaine balls his free hand in a fist, nails digging into his palm, because he _can’t_ , not when he is breaking, not when the only thing that could keep him together is Kurt.

“Damn it, Wes! I can’t! I don’t want to be calm, I just want…”

What does he want? He wants to go back to how things were before, when there were only promises of something beautiful and he didn’t stumble on the debris of miscommunication.

“I know, I know, Blaine.”

Blaine tilts his head back and looks straight at the darkening sky, too high above his head, too empty.

“No, you don’t.”

He knows he shouldn’t take it all out on Wes, he knows that, yet he can’t help it, because he has the feeling that no one could ever understand what he is going through, what it means to risk to lose someone right after having found him, when you _know_ that he is the one.

Wes’ voice is hard when he answers.

“Trust me, I know.”

Blaine takes in a shaky breath.

“It’s just…in my dreams…we are always so happy…”

“Your dreams?”

“Yeah…I…every night I dream of him, Wes. I dream about promises and I love yous and…I want all of it, Wes…with Kurt.”

Wes is silent and Blaine briefly wonders if he has hung up on him because he is being delusional.

“You…you should write those dreams down, you know? It might help you to understand what you truly want, to your feelings in order.”

Blaine blinks, confused because this totally isn’t the advice that he expected to receive from his best friend.

“Wes…I appreciate the effort, but I really don’t see how this could help me right now…”

“Well, it’s just an idea; we can talk about them together if you want.”

“I…I’ll think about it. Thanks, Wes.”

“Hey, you know that I am always here when you need me, Blaine. Don’t hesitate to call.”

A small smile manages to make its way to Blaine’s lips.

“I know.”

*

The following morning Blaine wakes up tangled in the sheets, with his dreams etched bright in the curves and twists of his brain. He scrambles for his notebook, fingers getting caught in random books and crumpled papers, reminders of hours spent trying to put notes on the page to explain what knots and unfurls inside of him.

Clutching the pen tight with trembling fingers, he starts to write down the images that have filled his dreams.

_It was raining, water dripping like tears from the trees onto the soft ground underneath. Kurt’s wet cold fingers were wrapped around his and Blaine felt too heavy to manage to keep the both of them afloat. Kurt had told him that he had never brought any of his previous boyfriends here. It had made Blaine feel special; it had made him feel so in love that his bones shook with the sheer force of it._

_Kurt’s voice was thin like tissue paper when he spoke._

_“Well, now you can finally meet her.”_

_Blaine looked at the small photo at the centre of the stone, rivulets of water caressing it. A pair of glossy eyes and a soft smile looked back at him. She looked so much like Kurt._

_“She was beautiful.”_

_Kurt squeezed his hand tighter._

_“She would have loved you.”_

_Blaine blinked because he was supposed to be the strong one for once._

Blaine takes in a deep breath, the tip of the pen still hovering on the page. His ribcage feels too tight. But there’s more; he can feel it pulling, what visits him at night and never stays long enough for him to remember what he has seen.

_“Blaine, you can’t!”_

_“Oh, sure I can!”_

_Kurt scrunched his eyes closed against the handful of flour that Blaine threw his way. When he opened them again the seemed bluer than usual, they made Blaine think about summer storms, the ones that get you unaware and soak you to the bone._

_“Blaine Xavier Anderson! You are going to regret this!”_

_They chased each other around Kurt’s small kitchen, slipping on the tiled floor, getting covered in flour and laughing like children. When the finally stopped Blaine slid his arms around Kurt’s waist, pulling him closer pressing a soft kiss to his temple._

_“Geez, Blaine, I swear sometimes I am sure that you are a five-year old!”_

_“But you love me!”_

_Kurt pulled back, a smile on his face._

_“That I do.”_

Blaine stares at what he has written down and swallows down the urge to tear the pages off and throw them away. What if Wes is right? What if these dreams could actually help him sort this jangled mess that his feelings have become?

He probably could see a psychologist to quicken the process, but he still gets chills when he thinks about the times his parents forced him to go after the Sadie Hawkins dance, about how uncomfortable he felt with a stranger poking and prodding at things that hurt too much to see.

He looks at the note Kurt left him after that first night they spent together; it has been there, resting against the lamp, ever since. Blaine can’t find it in himself to put it away, not now, probably not ever.

*

Kurt doesn’t call or text or come to the coffee shop during the following days. It’s as though there’s only white noise left where he had been before. Blaine forces himself to function as a normal human being; he wakes up in the morning and goes to work. He doesn’t play, though; all music is drained up by Kurt’s absence and he wonders how he has reached this point so fast, how he has given Kurt all he had so soon.

Every morning Blaine wakes up and writes what he has dreamt of; the more time passes the more those dreams seem real, f _eel_ real.

_Kurt’s skin was almost glowing in the half-light of the room, his smile shy. For an instant Blaine imagined what it would have been like to be each other’s first times. Kurt shifted underneath him, warm skin caressing his._

_“Where did you go?”_

_“In a place where there’s only you.”_

_Kurt’s lips tasted of the white wine Blaine had bought for the occasion, thinking that Kurt might like it._

_Something shut down inside of Blaine as he finally slid inside of Kurt. There were no words and no meanings, only Kurt’s soft moans and the constant smoothness of his muscles flexing with every movement._

Blaine spends the rest of the day feeling uncomfortable in his own skin; he knows his first time with Kurt has been different and yet the one he has dreamt doesn’t feel any less real.

*

Blaine knows he has reached rock bottom when he finds himself in a corner of a small and semi-deserted bookshop staring at shelves full of books on how to interpret dreams correctly. It’s useless, really; his dreams are not weird things filled with symbols and hints to decipher, they are so detailed and they taste so real; they keep leaving his heart thrumming and his mouth dry with the need of something that seems constantly out of reach.

*

“Blaine, you need to talk to me or I don’t know how to help you.”

Blaine lifts his gaze from the depths of his glass of beer, resting almost untouched on the table’s surface.

“I…maybe I am going crazy, Wes.”

Wes takes the bridge of his nose between his fingers and Blaine shifts on the stool he is perched on.

“You are not going crazy, Blaine. But I swear you’re driving me insane!”

Blaine blinks; it’s not like Wes to act so distressed.

“I…I am sorry; it must be quite difficult to deal with me lately.”

Wes reaches over the small table and squeezes his shoulder gently.

“No self-pity, Blaine! You know the rules!”

In spite of everything Blaine chuckles. It sounds too watery to be right but it’s better than nothing.

“Now, tell me about these dreams of yours.”

///

Wes grips the edge of the table a bit tighter than necessary and prays to be able to hide what he is truly thinking, because the stories Blaine is telling and the scenes he is describing are not dreams at all. Some of them he doesn’t know, being too personal, but others he remembers Blaine telling him; like the time he accompanied Kurt to visit his mother’s grave.

He tries to remind himself to nod in all the right places and ask questions, but the truth is he has never felt as helpless as he feels right now. Blaine is hurting- it’s written in his hunched shoulders, in the way his knuckles whiten as he grips his glass even tighter- and yet Wes has no idea of how to help him. Telling him the truth seems out of question; what if by telling him he sets off some counter effect of the erasure procedure?

Blaine stops speaking and simply looks at him, looking so thin and pale that Wes can hear his heart cracking.

“Blaine…I…”

Blaine quickly shakes his head, eyes wide.

“Oh, no, Wes, don’t worry. I know that you can’t do anything about it. It’s just that…”

There’s no hope in his words, not a single speck of hope, when Blaine is the most positive person Wes has ever met. And this is what gets to him, what breaks his reservation like water breaking through a cracked dam.

“I wish I could do more, Blainers. I hate seeing you like this, but the only thing I can tell you is: don’t give up. Hold on to these dreams, because, who knows, maybe there aren’t only dreams after all.”

“It…it hurts, though, to hold onto them…”

“I know, but…if they are there, there must be a reason for that, right?”

Blaine lowers his gaze and Wes briefly wonders what he sees at the bottom of his empty glass.

“Do you think it will work out?”

Wes wishes he could give his best friend a clear answer, a certainty, but he can’t. This doesn’t change the fact, though, that the more time passes, the more he sees Blaine falling for Kurt again, the more he is convinced that they are meant to be together, that there must be a reason why their connection couldn’t be severed.

“I hope so.”

Blaine nods and flashes him a smile. It’s weak and strained, but it’s something.

///

The following day is Sunday and Blaine spends half of it sitting on his bedroom floor, surrounded by crumpled sheets of paper, clutching his guitar like a lifeline and desperately trying to put his messy feelings into notes. They stumble around in his head, drunk with pain and longing, crashing against the pale ghosts of Kurt’s smiles, the faded memories of his smooth skin.

He is about to grasp a passage that has been eluding him for the past half hour when the doorbell rings, shattering his feeble concentration. Even though his body seems to weigh like a ton of rocks, Blaine drags himself to his feet. It hurts to realize he isn’t even hoping that it might be Kurt; the certainty that there is something he can’t fix standing between them has settled over him, heavy and unmoving.

Indeed, it’s not Kurt who is standing on the landing, but Jeremiah, smiling and holding some kind of flowers which Blaine can’t recognize in the half light. His first instinct is to yell, to scream at him to leave him alone, because he can’t stand his presence, not when everything refuses to work, not when Kurt doesn’t want him. But there’s always that small part of him that grew up in a respectable boarding school, that his parents raised to be presentable, the part of himself that makes him act kind and respectful even when he wants nothing more than smashing something. That’s the reason why instead of yelling he takes a deep breath before speaking.

 “Jeremiah, what do you want?”

“Blaine, please, open the door.”

“Look, I am tired of this. I don’t want to talk to you, or see you for that matter.”

“But, baby, you need to listen to me. I need you.”

A shiver runs down Blaine’s spine; he hates when Jeremiah calls him that, but what he hates more is that he is trying to play him where he is weakest, knowing all too well that Blaine hates letting people down who need him or believe in him.

“Don’t…don’t you dare!”

Through the peephole he sees Jeremiah tugging at his hair, swinging the bouquet around as he speaks.

“But, Blaine, you don’t understand. There’s nothing I want more than to be with you, I…when I’m with you I’m exactly where I want to be and…”

Blaine blinks, his thoughts scrambling to reach something, a feeble light in a distant corner of his brain. His throat seems almost impossibly tight and he has to force the words out.

“What…what did you just say?”

“That I need you, baby.”

“No, after that.”

“That when I’m with you I’m exactly where I want to be?”

Blaine gulps down air, his muscles trembling and his mind reeling. Kurt told him those words that night on the river and before then…before then Blaine had already heard them, he is sure of it. His head is threatening to split in two and he has to lean his forehead against the door.

“Blaine?”

“Just…just go, Jeremiah. And don’t come back.”

His words sound harsh to his own ears, but he knows all too well this is what must be done. He waits, breath coming out hard and labored as it tries to compensate the furious beating of his heart. When Jeremiah’s footsteps move towards the stairs and softly dissolve, Blaine squeezes his eyes shut, relief washing over him. But it’s not enough, because everything inside of him remains cramped together, messed up apparently beyond repair.

It’s not even a conscious thought; his hand simply reaches out for the car keys on the small table next to the door. He grips them viciously tight until the dents press into the skin of his palm. In his head Kurt’s voice echoes merciless, _Now go away._ The problem now, as it was back then, is that Blaine doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to let go and this is why it scares him to no end to climb in the car, drive to the Charles and finally figure all of this mess out. Because, even if he manages to do that, there’s no guarantee of the results. What if the conclusion is that he is just delusional, that all this dreams are simply the fruit of his _need_ to be with Kurt and there’s nothing real about them. What if the conclusion is that Kurt can’t be part of his life?

It feels like standing on his toes at the edge of a precipice; it would be safer to take a step back, but Blaine knows all too well that wouldn’t help his hurting heart, so he takes a deep breath and turns the knob.

*

The ride up to the river is pretty uneventful; Blaine keeps the radio turned off, but memories of Kurt’s profile as he drove, of the warmth radiating from him through Blaine’s palm pressed to his knee. It doesn’t fade, it can’t fade.

It’s sunset when he gets off the car and walks up to the bank; the water has broken free of the ice, spring is near now. Blaine pulls the coat closer to his body, because there’s a chill inside of him that won’t recede. He closes his eyes against the breeze and tries to empty his mind. Kurt is there in front of him instantly. He wearing a red coat and is smiling, his arms outstretched.

_“C’mon, hurry up or we’ll be late for dinner.”_

_Blaine put on his jacket and locked the door to Kurt’s apartment with his spare key. When he turned Kurt was still smiling, his cheeks redder because of the cold wind._

_“You look stunning.”_

_Blaine felt warm all over; even after all the time spent together a single compliment was enough to make him blush. Kurt’s gloved hand was firm around his as they walked down the street towards the underground station._

The streetlights, the buildings, the pavement twist and fade leaving space to a bedroom immersed in the soft light of sunset.

_“It’s…I’m tired of fighting for a dream, Blaine. I’ve hoped for so long and it is draining me. This stage at the fashion firm could be really good. It could open a new door for me.”_

_Blaine looked at Kurt, sat on the bed, looking so much younger, shoulders hunched over and hands clasped together. He thought about Kurt’s voice as he prepared for auditions, strong and clear and powerful, rising from his core and filling up all the space. He didn’t want Kurt to give up on his voice, but he had seen how hard it had become, how tired and hollow Kurt was when he got back home from yet another failed audition. They said he wasn’t what they were looking for, but Blaine knew better, he knew that Kurt was simply too much for them to handle, too bright to fit in._

_Slowly he reached out and gently cupped Kurt’s chin tilting his head up. His eyes shone quietly; they made Blaine think of some distant star._

_“I love you, Kurt, like I’ve never loved anyone before. I’ll love you whatever choice you make.”_

_Kurt turned his head and kissed Blaine’s wrist._

_“Thank you. I’ll always sing for you, love.”_

_“Only for me?”_

_Kurt nodded, his smile so bright it could have swallowed the sun._

Blaine opens his eyes and a sob wrenches its way past his lips as he realizes that Kurt is not there in front of him. The sun has set and the sky is already darker; Blaine looks at the water and prays that whatever has happened, whatever has messed his and Kurt’s lives could be reversed, because deep down he has finally realized that he’ll keep reaching for Kurt even if it meant cutting himself and bleeding to death in the process. He can feel the pull of it in his bones, the pull of a love so big he had never thought his heart could contain it.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm sorry for the long wait! I promise ch. 12 will come much faster!
> 
> So we're almost at the end of this adventure! Just endure with the angst (for which I deeply apologize, but it was inevitable) for a little longer and have faith in our boys! There's also a bit of Rachel and Quinn in this chapter. Oh and spoilers from The Box Scene! :)
> 
> A big thank you to alianne for the beta and the support

n the world outside it must be noon; Kurt doesn’t care and doesn’t want to know. He has been lying in bed since he woke up at dawn, half asleep and half awake, his body heavy like lead. Dreams are still weighing down on him, a constant pressure over his sternum, making it difficult to breathe. Or maybe he should call them memories? He turns on his side, a wave of nausea washing over him.  
  
He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t help wondering how Blaine is feeling right now. He knows it must have been horrible to talk to a closed door, but he just didn’t have it in him to face Blaine, sweet and caring Blaine, when he was cracking open like that. The vulnerability of it, the pain in understanding that he needed someone so much that he shattered to pieces without, it wasn’t something that he could afford. But if he could have it one day, if he could simply let go and abandon himself in someone’s hands, he wanted and he still wants it to be Blaine.  
  
Hours tick by and Kurt doesn’t move; he looks at the ceiling, bones cold and heavy. Nothing seems to make sense. Has Blaine really played with his heart all along? Had he really shared all those moments with Blaine? All those tears and all that love? His fingers dig in the sheets, holding on tight. He needs to know.  
  
*  
  
“Kurt! We were worried sick about you, where the hell…”  
  
Gripping his coffee mug a bit tighter, Kurt takes a deep breath. It resonates inside of him like wind over a desert land. He has never felt so hollow in his all life. Not even after his mom’s death, when the world was tinted gray and every morning followed the other out of inertia.  
  
“Kurt, are you there?”  
  
He blinks, eyelids feeling oddly heavy, heart beating out of rhythm.  
  
“I am, sorry, Quinn.”  
  
“How are you? What happened? We…”  
  
Kurt squeezes his eyes shut. His mind doesn’t deal well with questions right now. There are already too many of them spinning around, hitting the soft curves of his brain like moths blinded by the light.  
  
“I…it…it’s all broken and I need...”  
  
Quinn’s voice sounds so far away and Kurt has to struggle to breathe properly.  
  
“Kurt. Calm down. We’re coming, alright?”  
  
Kurt nods before remembering that Quinn can’t see him.  
  
“Y-yes.”  
  
“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”  
  
Kurt slowly pads over to the couch and plops down on it, cradling the telephone closer.  
  
“Maybe…just maybe I’m not made right. I…it isn’t normal for me to feel like this…for it…to hurt so much.”  
  
“Honey, there’s nothing wrong with you. Please, believe me.”  
  
“Then tell me why, Q! Tell me why I feel like this, so broken over…over someone…”  
  
Quinn’s voice is astoundingly soft in his ear.  
  
“Someone you love.”  
  
Kurt blinks, tears blurring his vision. It leaves him like a sob, like a last breath.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
He falls silent after that, simply listening to Quinn as she mumbles sweet things down the telephone line.  
  
“We are right in front of your apartment, honey.”  
  
It takes all of his willpower to get off the couch and walk up to the door. Quinn’s arms are around him in an instant, pulling him close. He lets her, hiding his face against her hair. Rachel’s arms wrap around him too. They stand on the landing like that for a while. Kurt simply drinking in the warmth and the comfort of having someone to physically hold him.  
  
Rachel disentangles herself and gently takes Kurt’s hand.  
  
“Let’s get inside. I’ll put on some tea.”  
  
Kurt nods and lets them drag him inside and down on the couch again. Quinn waits patiently by his side as Rachel potters around in the kitchen.  
  
“I feel…I constantly feel like I am two people at the same time. I know it must sound crazy, but…”  
  
Quinn’s hand finds his and holds on.  
  
“It isn’t crazy, Kurt. It…”  
  
She pauses and Kurt lifts his gaze to look at her. Her lips are set in a thin line, she seems paler.  
  
“Q? What…”  
  
Her fingers tighten around his but she keeps looking down at her shoes.  
  
“I…I know what’s wrong and I…”  
  
“Are you sure it is the best thing to do, love?”  
  
Kurt spins around and looks at Rachel, standing in the doorway, eyes wide and hands clutching a tray with a teapot and three mugs on it.  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
Rachel looks from him to Quinn and back before walking closer to leave the tray on the coffee table and sit beside Quinn.  
  
“We were supposed to never talk about this. The doctors told us as much.”  
  
“Doctors?”  
  
Kurt’s head is already starting to spin. Too much confused information all at once and too much heartbreak to handle.  
  
“I…we are going to tell you everything, Kurt. But, please, promise me you’re going to listen and that you’re not going to hate yourself or Blaine at the end of it.”  
  
“I don’t think I can do that. I can’t promise something I…”  
  
“Promise me, Kurt.”  
  
Quinn’s gaze is gentle and pained and Kurt’s heart throbs painfully. He nods and Quinn takes a  
deep breath before starting to speak.  
  
///  
  
Rachel sits close to Quinn and looks at Kurt, wishing she could do something to avoid him all of this. If she thinks about it, it is actually absurd. How destiny has managed to tie him and Blaine together. She loves Quinn, she really does. It took her time to figure it out along with figuring out herself, but she is there now and she counts to remain with her for a long time. Still, she can’t even begin to picture how deep and wide Kurt and Blaine’s love runs. She is not so sure fate would pull her and Quinn back on each other’s path if they were to go through an erasure procedure.  
  
Quinn talks about the day Kurt and Blaine broke up for real, of the tears and the shouts. Kurt slept at their apartment for a few days. He wasn’t strong enough to be on his own and neither of them wanted to leave him alone, sailing through a place where every small thing reminded him of Blaine. Rachel remembers the way Kurt would sit on their couch, constantly wrapped in blankets as though the whole world had become too cold all of sudden. She had always known that Kurt loved too much and too deep. He had always been like that and they all had learned it in high school.  
  
She steels herself when Quinn pauses in her recount. She knows all too well what comes next.  
  
+++  
  
It was raining the that evening. She and Quinn were lying tangled on the couch, watching some old movie. Quinn was carding her fingers through her hair and whispering gentle nonsense against her breastbone when the doorbell had rung. Kurt stood on the doormat, hair dripping and coat completely soaked. His eyes were red rimmed, his lips trembling. He was holding a piece of paper.  
  
Kurt pushed it in her hands as soon as he was inside, as though it was burning. As Quinn helped Kurt out of his coat and started drying his hair as Rachel read.  
  
_Dear Mr. Hummel  
We are sending you the present missive to let you know that Mr. Blaine Anderson decided to go through our erasure procedure. Please, do not try to contact him, he wouldn’t remember you.  
Thank you for your collaboration  
Best regards  
  
Doc. Finn Hudson (Serenity Clinic)_  
  
Rachel had to read it again a second time for the information to truly register. Her first reaction was to feel sick, as though someone was squeezing her stomach hard. She just couldn’t believe that Blaine had gone and done something like that. A chill ran down her spine as she tried to imagine how hurt and broken he must have been to gather the strength to do something as extreme as that. She had seen him and Kurt together – they were right. They clicked and combined and made each other braver and happier. To have all of that deleted and thrown away…  
  
“—chel, honey?”  
  
Rachel tore her gaze away from those words, smudged by water and yet sharp like knives, and looked at Quinn. She was holding Kurt close, arms wrapped around him as he cried. Rachel wished she knew what to say. But what could be told to someone who had just discovered the love of his life had given up on him for real?  
  
Somehow she managed to move and hand the letter over to Quinn. She sat on the carpet in front of Kurt and held his hand while Quinn read A soft and pained oh escaped her girlfriend’s lips and Rachel turned to look at her. She could see the sadness in Quinn’s eyes and leaned forward, pressing her palm against her knee. She tried with all her might to put everything she couldn’t say out loud in that touch. _We’ve to be here for him. Please, don’t ever do something like that to me. I just love you so much._  
  
Quinn covered her hand with her own without a word.  
  
“Hey sweetie, do you want to talk about this?”  
  
Kurt’s voice came out hoarse and broken. Instinctively Rachel reached up to card her fingers through his wet hair. Back in high school Kurt had hated when she did that, invading his personal space and his time. But slowly he had opened up to her and she was proud and honored to say that, indeed, she was Kurt’s best friend.  
  
“What is there to say? He…he just went and throw everything away!”  
  
“Kurt…”  
  
“He erased me, Rach!”  
  
It cut right through her, the infinite depth of the pain that was eating at Kurt in that very moment. And she was helpless. There was nothing she could do to fix it, not this time. She looked at Quinn, hoping she had an answer, a solution. She had always been the wise one between the two of them.  
  
“Kurt…he was hurt, as you were and as you are. You need to move on.”  
  
Rachel swallowed around the lump in her throat. It seemed so harsh, to ask Kurt to gather enough strength to do that. To throw it away as Blaine had done. Still…still if Quinn were to be the one to leave her behind, Rachel probably would have chosen to forget it all.  
  
+++  
  
Kurt doesn’t speak, he simply stares at them, his mouth slightly open. Rachel wants to reach out, to pull him close, but she also knows it isn’t the right time yet. Quinn waits patiently by her side.  
  
“H-How…how could you…”  
  
It hurts, like being stabbed. She couldn’t stand it if Kurt were to hate them for keeping everything hidden. What could they have done? Quinn’s hand finds hers and holds it gently.  
  
“Kurt, you know that we didn’t have a choice. The choice was yours. We respected it.”  
  
Kurt opens and closes his mouth. Rachel has never seen him so lost.  
  
Quinn is about to speak again, Rachel can tell from the set of her lips and the determined light in her eyes, but she has to be the one to talk this time. She has grown up with Kurt, closer to him than anyone else, because they were tied by the same dreams and the same insecurities that came with them.  
  
“We are not saying you made a wrong choice, Kurt. It simply didn’t work and we didn’t have any right to tell you anything. We didn’t even know if doing something like that would damage your brain after the erasure or not.”  
  
She quickly looks at Quinn, who nods.  
  
“Maybe we shouldn’t have told you all of this now neither, but…don’t you think it has a meaning? The fact that you managed to find him again? That you got these…memories back somehow?”  
  
Kurt’s voice is hard when he speaks.  
  
“They’re not memories, Rachel. They are hallucinations and this conversation…”  
  
“They are not!”  
  
Rachel is taken aback by the strength behind her own words. At this point it’s really important for Kurt to understand, in order to break free from this cocoon of pain and decide once and for all what his heart wants. She is pretty sure his heart has been calling out for Blaine’s all along, but this isn’t her answer to give.  
  
“They are not, Kurt. They are memories. You know it, deep down. It wasn’t a coincidence that you met Blaine in Montauk, the first time you saw him you were there.”  
  
Kurt’s eyes widen, his back suddenly so straight Rachel has the feeling it may snap.  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
Rachel takes a deep breath. They’ve come this far and there’s no way they can go back now.  
  
“You met him at David’s party. Back then you were going out with Alex.”  
  
Kurt might have always kept his core guarded, shielded even, but Rachel has been by his side for so long and she has learned how to read him. Now she almost wishes she couldn’t, because the confusion and the desperation she sees reflected in his eyes and etched in his posture are almost too much to bear. She can’t do anything to ease it all, to fix it. Kurt has to do it on his own. Her voice is barely a whisper when she speaks, but she is sure Kurt will hear her in the silence that has fallen upon them.  
  
“You’ve to talk to him.”  
  
///  
  
Quinn drives, Kurt’s apartment block soon getting swallowed by other buildings in the rearview mirror. Rachel is silent in the passenger seat, looking out of the window, her hands fisted on her knees. Quinn’s shoulders ache as the tension starts to slowly slip away. Kurt asked them to leave him alone – his voice hard and his eyes stone cold. Rachel didn’t want to go, but Quinn gently took her by the wrist, her thumb stroking soothing circles over soft skin. Kurt didn’t accompany them to the door, he remained sat on the couch, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs.  
  
“Maybe we shouldn’t have…”  
  
Rachel’s voice breaks and so does Quinn’s heart. She reaches over the gearshift and takes Rachel’s hand.  
  
“We did the right thing, baby. He is just too hurt to see it right now.”  
  
“But, what if he hates me and…”  
  
Quinn shakes her head.  
  
“He loves you, Rach. He just need some time to process all this.”  
  
Rachel squeezes her hand back.  
  
“You promise?”  
  
“Promise.”  
  
Quinn kisses her the moment they stop at the next streetlight.  
  
///  
  
His fingers start to hurt, but Kurt doesn’t care. He keeps digging through the cardboard boxes piled up in the storage closet. There’s dust in his hair, on his face, on his clothes. He coughs and his eyes water. He doesn’t stop. It’s as though his whole body is burning and he needs to put off the fire or something will get charred and broken beyond repair.  
  
At last his hand closes around a small velvety box, hidden underneath old high school photos and mementos of his first year in New York. Heart lodged in his throat, Kurt takes a deep breath – dust scratching at his throat. every single muscle in his body tenses up, his knees hurt from being pressed too hard against the floor.  
  
His fingers are trembling when he unlocks the box, his lungs burning as he holds his breath. And there it is. A silly, beautiful, perfect ring made of gum wrappers. The light from the hallway brushes over it. It seems to glisten and Kurt feels as though someone has just punched him in the stomach.  
  
_“Kurt…”  
  
He had heard Blaine say his name so many times before – moans and whispers and shouts – but this time it seems to weight more, to be rounder and richer than ever.  
  
“It’s a promise ring.”  
  
Kurt heart jumped almost painfully, hitting his ribcage like a hammer. Speaking felt like a hardship.  
  
“But what are you promising?”  
  
“To always love you. To defend you even if I know you are wrong. To surprise you. To always pick up your phone calls no matter what I am doing. To bake you cookies at least twice a year. To kiss you whenever and wherever you want. But mostly to make sure you know how perfectly imperfect you are.”_  
  
Kurt doesn’t have the strength to stand up and move. He kneels there, surrounded by discarded memories and ghosts of the dreams he once had. He remembers it all now – how perfect it had been to fall in love with Blaine and how painful it had ended up to be.  
  
He remembers that day at David’s party now. The way all of sudden there was no place left for anyone else but Blaine in his thoughts. The days that had followed that night in Montauk had been a blur of texts and stupid butterflies taking residence in his stomach. It felt like being a teenager in love again. It was scary and dizzying and it left him breathless. It had been hard to explain Alex that he couldn’t be with him anymore. Kurt had never liked to hurt other people. He had always been the one hurt, the one whose heart was stomped on. He felt bad about it, but how could he still with Alex when a _“When can I see you again?”_ from Blaine managed to set his heart running?  
  
It feels like yesterday. It was raining and Kurt’s heart was racing as he approached the coffee shop where Blaine had asked him to meet. He was standing under an old and battered umbrella, a hoodie on. He was gorgeous and free and so much brighter than the rest of the gray world surrounding them. As he walked closer, Kurt’s skin seemed to thrum with electric energy. He had never felt that way before.  
  
He dips his hands inside old cardboard boxes again. There’s nothing better to do, after all. What can he do now except from digging through debris of a past that he probably will never get back? He cuts his fingers on random sheets of paper, but he keeps going. If he didn’t have the courage to throw away the ring when he cleared everything out before the erasure, he might have left something else behind. He might have been fool enough to leave another door opened, just as he has been crazy enough to put his heart on the line again. A small voice at the back of his mind tells him that if he were to go back in time he would do exactly the same. For Blaine, always. It cuts right to the core of his bones.  
  
_Kurt woke up late. It was Sunday and Blaine had left earlier to go to work. There was a pot of coffee and toasted bread on the table in the kitchen. A postcard was propped up against a vase holding a single tulip. It was an old photo of Penn Station as it was back around the beginning of the XX century.  
  
Taking one smooth petal between his fingers, Kurt remembered the time he had told Blaine about his mum. How she had loved New York and had kept books of photography stacked in her working room._  
  
The stack of letters and postcards is kept together by a ribbon. It used to be red, but know the colour has faded to a pale pink. When Kurt first moved to New York after high school ended, he took with him the good luck messages Mercedes and Tina wrote for him and some of those sepia-coloured pictures of his mum and his dad when they were young. Burt smiling at the camera with an arm around Elizabeth’s shoulders. His mum knitting with a round and big belly. As years went by he added his dad’s letters and small notes Rachel used to leave around their shared apartment to make him laugh on gloomy days.  
  
If he kept a letter or a picture of him and Blaine it must be here. There are no such things, there’s a postcard, though. A simple glance is enough for Kurt to know that it was from Blaine. A black and white entrance hall of Penn Station looks up at him. With trembling fingers he turns the postcard, heart stuck in his throat and memories of a Sunday morning years ago flooding his brain.

 

 

_I’ll always love NY, because it is the place where we met  
I’ll always thank your mum and dad for having given you to the world  
I’ll always be grateful for your sleepy smile in the morning and your kisses before falling asleep_

_I’ll never stop loving you_

_Blaine_

  
  
Kurt presses the postcard to his chest and closes his eyes. Everything is dark and trembling Fear and hope and longing twisting together, pulsing brightly. Those words, Blaine’s loopy handwriting, the way they had made love on the couch as soon as Blaine had been back home that Sunday, everything floats around inside of him. And he knows, with sudden clarity, that he misses Blaine. That he has never stopped loving him, despite the pain, the wounds and the scars.  
  
_“Why do you have to be around him, Blaine?”  
  
“Kurt, Sebastian doesn’t mean anything to me.”  
  
Blaine moved closer, hand splayed over Kurt’s heart. It was warm and gentle, but Kurt resisted the urge to lean into the touch. His stomach lurched unpleasantly as he remembered the way Sebastian had been leaning into Blaine’s space the other night, hand on Blaine’s arm as though it belonged there.  
  
“How...”  
  
“Please, believe me.”  
  
Kurt blinked and for the first time since the beginning of the conversation truly looked at Blaine. He took in the watery depths of his eyes, the way his teeth sunk in his bottom lip.  
  
“I...”  
  
“You are the only one, Kurt. How could you doubt that?”  
  
Blaine’s fingers pressed down a bit more firmly. Kurt’s heart skipped a beat.  
  
“I don’t doubt you, Blaine.”  
  
“Then trust me on this.”  
  
And Kurt leaned forward and kissed him, all teeth and tongue and love. Because it was Blaine and he would never stopped trusting him with his heart._  
  
Maybe it is a mistake, but he isn’t strong enough to throw it all away a second time. Not when it all managed to get back, not when his whole body seems to ache with the need to see Blaine, to hold him and never let him go again. Not again.  
  
_“Someone you love”_. Quinn’s voice echoes soft in his ears. The truth behind those words shines quietly along Kurt’s very veins, up up to his heart.  
  
Slowly, he gets back on his feet, legs hurting after being crouched on the floor for so long. Still clutching the small box and the postcard, Kurt makes his wobbly way to the couch. The phone his cold as he fishes it out from under the cushions.  
  
**To Rachel** :  
  
I am sorry for earlier. I just needed time, I still do. I remember now, I think. And I know none of this is your fault. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.  
  
His fingers hover uncertainly as he thinks about the next text. Kurt casts a quick glance to the objects resting on the cushions by his side - tokens of a past that has come back, that won’t go away.  
  
**To Blaine** :  
  
Meet me in Montauk tomorrow at 3 pm?  
  
The room feels too small as he waits, breath stuttering past his lips and heart beating too fast. He opens the box and takes out the ring. So silly and so perfect. Everything Kurt needs. The phone skitters on the coffee table. Kurt doesn’t let go of the ring as he opens the incoming text.  
  
**From Blaine** :  
  
Of course. See you there.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So these are the final chapter + the epilogue. I want to dedicate them, and this whole fic, to [such-a-fangirl](http://such-a-fangirl.tumblr.com/) who has believed in me since the beginning of this adventure. A big thank you goes to [alianne](http://alianne.tumblr.com/) who betaed them and supported me. I probably wouldn't have finished this story without her. There are both Kurt's and Blaine's POVs. Rating is PG-15 for ch 12 and NC-17 for the epilogue (also, lots of deserved fluff). The song that Blaine sings to Kurt in the kitchen is "Scenes from an Italian restaurant" by Billy Joel and there are spoilers from "the box scene" and from the original script of "Original Songs".   
> This fic is really dear to me, I’ve worked on it for more than a year and it is the longest fic I’ve written in the Glee fandom. It would really mean the world to me if you took the time to leave me some kind of feedback (constructive criticism is always welcome!). You can leave a commet here or send me a PM on [my tumblr](http://bluecloudsupabove.tumblr.com/). Thank you <3

The train rattles as it speeds down the railway tracks. Outside, buildings, random dusty trees and utility poles slide away quickly. Blaine feels as though someone has trapped him into a tin can. His heart rolls from side to side along with the rocking of the train.

*

He was at the coffee shop when he got the text from Kurt. The last customers had left and he was wiping at the tables in silence. Wes was mopping the floor, whistling some top 40s song or other. The phone vibrated in his pocket and he hastened to fish it out. His heart jumped up in his throat as he read Kurt’s name on the screen. After Blaine read the text, he remained frozen to the spot, hands clutching his cell phone, trying desperately to crush down the hope that was threatening to take over.

“Are you alright?”

Wes’ voice came muffled to Blaine’s ears, eyes focused on Kurt’s words. He was scared, of course he was. This could mean anything, from a definite goodbye to the promise of a shared future. It was terrifying. But that didn’t change the fact that Blaine would go. He would take the train, the very same train on which he had met Kurt months before, and face it all. He had run away many times in his life, but he wouldn’t – _couldn’t_ \- this time.

“I…I am not sure.”

He heard Wes moving, but he didn’t turn around.

“What’s up?”

Blaine didn’t feel like talking at all. He simply held up his phone for Wes to read the text.

“What do you want to do?”

“I…I don’t think I’ve a choice.”

Wes squeezed his shoulder.

“You always get a choice.”

Blaine looked down at the surface of the table he had been cleaning. He thought of Kurt – of the arch of his back, of the hurt in his eyes, of the tenderness of his touch.

“I want to see him.”

“Then do it. You should…just do what you think it’s right.”

It wasn’t a question of right and wrong to Blaine. Seeing Kurt felt _indispensable_ , like breathing after having spent too much time under water. He typed the text and sent it quickly, heart lodged in his throat.

*

Blaine remembers meeting Kurt on that train going back to New York. He remembers that cold morning and the excited flutter in his stomach when they had said goodbye to each other on a Central Station’s platform. But now he looks at the buildings sliding away past the window and feels uncertain, trembling in his own skin. At the back of his mind Blaine knows that wasn’t the first time he met Kurt. The knowledge is heavy like lead at the bottom of his veins, gluing him to the train’s floor.

When he was a kid Blaine dreamed of meeting a beautiful boy, falling in love and building a life with him. There wasn’t pain or heartbreak in those dreams; his real life was already hard enough as it was. Kurt is the man that boy of his dreams has become – Blaine is sure of it. But they are not living in a dream. They have hurt each other pretty badly. There are scars that have never faded on Blaine’s body, marring the skin over his ribs. That’s where those kids in middle school hit harder. Blaine has never looked away from those white and gaping lines. He knew with terrifying clarity that he couldn’t remove those. Yet, he has somehow managed to remove Kurt completely. He still doesn’t know how he did it.

The train slows down, the world outside does too. The sky stretches over the beach and over the sea, grey with thin clouds. Blaine pushes his hands deeper into the pockets of his coat. He hops off the train and the wind tugs at his hair. Somehow this place, this small train station, feels like the center of the world. The need to see Kurt, to look into his eyes, is overwhelming, building like a tide inside his chest. Turning around, though, Blaine doesn’t spot him. The platform is deserted, the wind blows around an old newspaper. Blaine imagines Kurt sitting on the train, the milky light caressing his face. He imagines him arriving at this silent station.

The sand shifts under his shoes as Blaine makes his way to the shore on wobbly legs. There’s no one around, only the seagulls riding the wind above the water. Blaine stops in his tracks, sinking slightly in the sand. He remembers drawing a small bird on the inside of Kurt’s wrist. Kurt had laughed, tickled by the tip of the pen. It was morning and they were still in bed. They had gone to karaoke the night before and Kurt had sung _Blackbird_. Blaine had never heard him sing and just hearing his voice had made him fall in love a bit harder, a bit faster.

The wind tugs insistently at his hair and Blaine blinks. The ocean rumbles in his ears and his thoughts scatter around confused. Why isn’t Kurt here? He forces his legs to move, following the line of the shore up to the diner he was in the last  time. It is closed today, shutters covering the windows and sign creaking in the salty wind. Blaine feels as if he has fallen right into a dream from which he doesn’t know how to wake up. Maybe he doesn’t want to. The past weeks have been draining; his heart and his bones too heavy to smile properly, to even feel the warmth of the sun on the rare sunny days February brings to the city. Standing here, on the edge of the unknown, breath coming a bit short with trepidation, Blaine feels more alive than he has felt in weeks. He knows it is because Kurt is close to him and because his heart is hoping too much.

He keeps walking along the shore, before taking  a turn and walking up the beach, towards[ that house](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lh03thg3CA1qzhc9uo1_500.jpg) he has always liked so much. The wooden stairs creak under his shoes, Blaine can feel his thoughts running too fast and something like memories trying to bubble up to the surface.

“You asked me to spend the night here with you.”

Blaine’s heart jumps up in his throat as he lifts his gaze. Kurt is standing on the patio, right in front of the door.

“What…”

“I left. It took all my willpower, though. You were so beautiful.”

Blaine swallows thickly, somehow forcing his feet to take the last steps. Kurt looks straight at him, eyes clear and lips hidden behind his blue scarf. Blaine’s whole body is wrung up tight with the need to reach out, to pull him closer. Kurt belongs in the circle of his arms.

“At first I thought I was crazy. I kept blanking out and I would see you, always you.”

The wind plays with Kurt’s hair, Blaine thinks about all the dreams he has had. How solid and true they felt.

“We had already met.”

Kurt nods, his brows furrowed, and Blaine wonders if he is biting his lower lip behind the scarf.

“We had already loved each other.”

Blaine lets Kurt’s words sink in, like shards of glass travelling right to the core of him. He has suspected it, how could he not? Especially after the evening he spent alone on the Charles. Yet, it had seemed so absurd. Blaine knows his love for Kurt, knows the way it is nestled deep inside of him. For him to decide to erase it all…it seems impossible. He lowers his gaze. There’s sand gathered on the old wooden boards.

“Why then? Why did we end up here?”

“Once you told me that we had lost each other. Maybe we ended up here again because of that.”

Blaine blinks, something hard pressing against his breastbone. He remembers how hard he slammed the door that day, the vibrations crawling up his arms. Slowly he lifts his gaze. Kurt is still looking at him, his eyes slightly watery.

“It was the day we broke up. For the first time, I mean.”

Kurt nods, a strand of hair falling over his forehead. It all comes in a rush, like a slap. The tiredness and the pain. How much it had hurt to see that Kurt didn’t believe in him, in what they had.

“You hurt me. You…didn’t trust me.”

Blaine can see the shift in Kurt’ eyes, in his posture. He is standing straighter now, like he does when he wants to defend himself. Blaine has always hated to be responsible for that look on Kurt’s face.

“And you deleted me, Blaine.”

Kurt turns, striding up to the bannister, his hands gripping it tight. Blaine remains where he is, looking at his back.

“I asked Quinn and Rachel, you know? And as they talked…every single word…it was the truth, Blaine. I could feel it, I could see it in my mind.”

Blaine nods, even though Kurt isn’t looking at him.  He hates the way his voice breaks when he finally speaks, but he can’t help it.

“We…we loved each other very much, though. I…”

He wants to say he still does, he always will. It is the truth, but it is terrifying. What if Kurt says he doesn’t love him anymore? What if they keep breaking each other?

Kurt turns around, the setting sun like a halo behind him.

“We did.”

Blaine takes a deep breath, heart hammering against his ribcage. The crazy rhythm of his need and his fear.

“Do you have any idea…why the erasure didn’t work? Was it because we are meant to…”

“I…I don’t know.”

Blaine closes his eyes. It is easier like this, not looking at Kurt. It feels so good to be close to him again, to see him instead of living off memories of his eyes and his smiles. But Blaine doesn’t want to see Kurt saying  that he doesn’t know how they managed to find each other again. He doesn’t want to see him doubting them once again.

“Why. Why can’t you believe there is a meaning in this? In me and you and…”

The touch of Kurt’s hand on his forearm comes like an electric shock.

“Look at me.”

His voice is steady, but the weight of the words left unsaid is almost a physical force pressing against Blaine’s chest. He lifts his gaze. Kurt’s scarf has slid down and now he can see when Kurt bites on his lower lip.

“Don’t…don’t think I don’t want to believe.”

Kurt doesn’t let go of him and Blaine can feel his fingertips pressing into his coat and down into his skin.

“Then what is it?”

“I am scared.”

Blaine knows the feeling, curled at the bottom of his stomach, but he has seen - he has _felt_ \- how happy they can be together. He doesn’t think he could live with himself if he let Kurt go. He will never be able to let go. The failure of the erasure showed them that much.

“I am too, but…”

Kurt’s grip tightens, his eyes darker in the half light.

“You promised, Blaine. You…”

Before Blaine can even register what is happening, Kurt has already thrust a small box in his hands and has turned to walk away.

“Wait, Kurt!”

He doesn’t turn.

“I just…need some space. I’ll be back there.”

He gestures towards the far away corner of the patio. Blaine nods numbly, fingers tightening around the box. The sun is paling and there isn’t much light. He moves closer to the patio’s edge. The ocean keeps roaring in front of him, there’s the faint trace of Kurt’s cologne in the air. Blaine can feel his heart thumping in his ears as he opens the box. There’s a ring nestled inside of it. Blaine blinks, not understanding why Kurt has brought it here. Then he notices that the ring is made of gum-wrappers and it’s as though the whole world has just clicked back into place.

He remembers in perfect clarity the evenings spent at the kitchen table while Kurt slept in his bed, sated and beautiful. He remembers how his thoughts used to revolve around his and Kurt’s wedding as he worked. Blaine had imagined it all, from the dresses to the songs. He remembers Kurt’s smile when he fell to his knees and offered him that silly ring. Most of all he remembers the happiness, bone deep and untamed.

Kurt is sitting on the stairway that leads from the house down to the beach. He is looking in the direction of the lighthouse. The sun paints half of his face orange. He looks otherworldly and Blaine clutches the box closer to his chest. His throat feels too tight when he forces out the words.

“It was pretty cheesy even for my standards.”

Kurt shakes his head and turns, a small smile on his lips.

“It was.”

Blaine moves closer and without a word Kurt shifts to the side to leave him space to sit down.

“I meant what I promised.”

He can hear Kurt’s intake of breath but Blaine quickly lifts his hand. He needs to say it all, to bare it all.

“I know we’ve hurt each other. We didn’t communicate, I let go of your hand and you of mine. But I loved you. I remember it now. I loved you as I love you now. I…I’ve fallen in love with you two different times, despite all that it was in between.”

This time his fingers tremble when he opens the box and takes out the ring. The foil of the wrappers shines feebly in the half light.

 “You were, you are, the only one, Kurt. I…I’m sure I’d keep loving you through thousands of erasures”

Kurt’s sob resounds like thunder in the space between them.

“Blaine…I…”

There’s so much fear in his voice and Blaine hates that. He knows he was born for Kurt, to make him happy. Hoping that Kurt won’t reject him, Blaine reaches over and takes his hand. Kurt’s skin is cold against his and Blaine can feel Kurt tensing up, even though he doesn’t pull away.

“Both the first time we met and the second time, I was alone, Kurt. I thought I was happy but I wasn’t. I was like…a lonely warbler.”

Kurt sniffs, his fingers curling around Blaine, giving him the strength to go on.

“Did you know that real warblers won’t sing alone? If a warbler loses its flock or is caged separately it sits silently until another one shows up. It’s not that he doesn’t have a beautiful voice - it’s just that without a companion he just doesn’t feel like singing anymore. I was like that, before I met you. Before I fell in love with you. You…are the love of my life, Kurt.”

Blaine keeps his gaze on Kurt’s face, on the whirlwind of emotions in his eyes. He can see it all, wrapped up inside Kurt. The kid who played in the backyard with his dad, the boy who got slammed against lockers, the man who took his own life in his hands and shone so much brighter than everyone else around him. Blaine _sees_ Kurt, the man he has fallen in love with all over again despite their own mistakes and the cruel game of fate. He wants a life time of this – sitting by Kurt’s side, looking into his eyes and holding his hand.

Kurt blinks, tears like pearls on his eyelashes.

“You…you mean it?”

“Every single word, Kurt. For as long as you want me.”

Kurt’s smile is breathtaking. Blaine is sure he could write songs about it until the end of time. Kurt doesn’t answer, he simply frees his hand from Blaine’s grip. For an instant Blaine freezes, heart almost stopping its wild race. Then Kurt’s arms are around him, strong and safe and _home_. Blaine buries his face in Kurt’s coat and closes his eyes. He wonders if this is what it feels like to be born.

“Forever.”

Blaine pulls back slightly, tilting his head up to look at Kurt. He is smiling, eyes still teary. Blaine wants to kiss him so badly his whole body shakes with it. Kurt smiles, slow and tender.

“That’s for how long I’ll want you.”

This time Blaine doesn’t give himself the chance to hesitate. Kurt’s arms tighten around him the moment their lips touch. He can feel Kurt’s warm breath, the wetness of his tongue. And he shivers from head to toe, down to his heart. The ring he made all that time ago digs into the skin of his palm, closed on Kurt’s chest, holding tight. Heat sparkles at the base of his spine when Kurt moans against his lips, small and rich and precious.

They break to breathe and Blaine blinks in the bluish air. The sun has set, but they are close enough that Blaine can see the way Kurt’s eyes crinkle at the corners. He brushes their noses together. Now Blaine remembers how Kurt used to laugh about it the first time they got together. Blaine would tackle Kurt, pinning him to the mattress and would brush their noses together until Kurt would kiss him and flip them over to make him stop.

“I am sorry. For having run away again.”

Kurt’s voice is grave, his lips set in a thin line. Blaine can see the guilt in his eyes and shakes his head, cupping Kurt’s cheek and running his thumb over the curve of it.

“I am sorry too. Guess that when you love too much, you’re always bound to make mistakes. Just promise me that if it happens again we will stay and figure it all out.”

///

Kurt’s throat is tight and he is sure his heart has just burst open. The pain and the confusion are still a dull ache at the back of his mind. He knows they’ll remain there for a while longer, but now happiness is like a balm, soothing and already healing. Even in the darkest moments, when he had wanted to smash something after he had discovered that his visions were memories, that Blaine had gone and deleted him for real, hope was always lurking under the surface. Hope that they’d fix it all and get back to the beginning. Like they are now, sitting on a staircase in Montauk, Blaine so close that his breath caresses Kurt’s lips with every exhale.

“I promise.”

Kurt has always known that when it comes to his own feelings, he has never been the bravest. He could face his bullies back in high school, he can make his voice heard in the fashion design jungle of  New York City, but when it comes to baring his own heart it is a completely different story. He also knows that Blaine was and is the only one he felt ready to try for. Because under Blaine’s attentive gaze, under his gentle touch, Kurt never felt ruined or wrong.

Blaine smiles and it is like a punch to Kurt’s breastbone, how much he has missed it. Then Blaine lowers his gaze and opens his hand. Resting on his palm there is the ring, the gum-wrapper ring Kurt didn’t throw away the day he piled up broken memories into the bags he carried over to the Serenity Clinic. It is darker now and the only lights are the ones of the lighthouse up ahead of them and the one of an old lamp post higher on the road. The colors of the wrappers glint faintly and an emotion too big to contain sloshes inside Kurt.

“Can I?”

Blaine’s voice is like silk and Kurt nods. His touch is sure as he takes hold of Kurt’s hand and slides the ring in place. The feeling of the band around his finger is familiar, it grounds Kurt’s floating heart.

“I love you.”

It stumbles past his lips before Kurt can do anything to keep it inside. The feeling has always been there, but during the train ride to Montauk Kurt didn’t envision himself saying it out loud. It feels as though those words have become part of him, as though his love for Blaine has become something intrinsic, forever to stay. That’s why he was scared. As always, when it comes to Blaine, it seems his heart tries to break free of his ribcage for Blaine to see, to know it all.

Blaine hugs him close, lips brushing against Kurt’s ear as he speaks.

“When I’m with you I’m exactly where I want to be.”

Kurt closes his eyes against the sheer force of love spreading through him. He holds onto Blaine tighter as the night settles over Montauk and the ocean keeps roaring its lullaby.

***

_Four years later_

Blaine stretches, standing right in the warm patch of light the sun has printed on their bedroom’s floor. Kurt is still asleep, legs tangled in the sheets and an arm stretched out, resting on Blaine’s side of the bed. His naked back rises and falls and Blaine’s fingertips tingle with the desire to slide down the smooth milky skin.

Waking up by Kurt’s side still takes him aback sometimes. It feels like they have already spent two lifetimes together and yet the simple truth of Kurt’s legs tangled with his, of Kurt’s hand splayed on his stomach, makes Blaine’s life seem brand new every single morning. Even on those days when their schedules don’t line up, Blaine pads into the kitchen to find Kurt’s mug in the sink and the scent of coffee still in the air. Their clothes are hung side by side inside the wardrobe and Kurt’s products are religiously lined on the bathroom’s shelves.

*

The first night they spent in their new house, Kurt curled close to Blaine, head resting on his shoulder, whispering that the sound of the ocean so close made his soul tremble. The following morning Blaine woke up early, put on only a pair of boxers and sat at the foot of the bed with his guitar. Strumming gently he sang about their souls, calling for each other through lost memories. Kurt woke up with a sleepy smile and crawled across the bed to lie beside Blaine. Azure eyes looking up at him, naked skin stretched on the blankets like an unknown continent. They spent that day in bed, singing together and making love until Blaine felt as though his contours were blurring, seeping in and out of Kurt. _One_.

That’s the title Blaine chose for his first album. Getting back with Kurt, sliding back into what felt like his right place in the universe, opened a dam Blaine hadn’t realized was closed. A simple touch, a simple word from Kurt made Blaine’s whole body shiver with the need to compose and to sing. It was Kurt who helped him contact the independent label that finally decided to produce the album. Kurt’s lips tasted of the salt of his tears when Blaine showed him the album cover for the first time. Blaine had added a small post-it. It read:

_To my beautiful blackbird:_

_In the gentle curve of your heart – that’s exactly where I want to be_

_*_

Cooper and the others will be here in a couple of hours and Blaine is supposed to get down to the kitchen and fix him and Kurt a quick breakfast. But the sun is warm on his skin, the ocean sings outside and Kurt looks too gorgeous to be a creature of this world. Slowly Blaine lies down on the bed again, heart heavy with love in his chest. Kurt stirs, muscles flexing under Blaine’s hands.

“Mmm”

“Good morning, baby.”

Kurt turns onto his back, eyes fluttering open. They are clearer in the morning, all azure and light grey. His arms wrap around Blaine, pulling him closer. Kurt has told him how much he likes the feeling of his body covering him, pressing him down into the mattress. It feels safe, he said, like being anchored to Earth. Blaine takes hold of the blanket and drags it down. Kurt’s legs open silently for him to nestle between them.

Kurt’s naked skin is warm and smooth, his thighs firm where they press against Blaine’s waist, bracketing and defining him.

“I’ll never stop wanting you, you know that?”

Kurt smiles and thrusts his hips up. His half-hard cock presses against Blaine’s hip. Even after all these years, it still sends sparks scattering around inside of Blaine, the knowledge that Kurt desires him, that he is the one who can do this to and with Kurt.

Blaine kisses Kurt like his life depends on it, mind made fuzzy by the feeling of Kurt filling up against him. His fingers trail down Kurt’s chest, before grazing against his length and disappearing in the warm place behind his balls. They made love yesterday night, Kurt riding Blaine with his hands splayed on his chest. Afterwards he said he could feel Blaine’s heart as it slammed against his ribcage with every trust. Blaine knows he is still stretched, but he takes his time anyway. He loves how responsive Kurt is, how his back arches off the bed and his thighs tremble when Blaine crooks his fingers just so. But above all he loves the fact that in these moments any distance between them is annihilated. He is inside Kurt or Kurt is inside him and there are no boundaries to define where one starts and the other begins.

When Blaine pushes inside, Kurt bites down on his bicep. The spark of pain ignites the pleasure even more. It rises and breaks and spreads as they move together – skin sliding and breath mingling in the space between their brushing lips. Blaine’s fingers dig into the soft skin of Kurt’s thighs and he shivers as Kurt moans, the sounds vibrating down his body and up up to Blaine’s heart.

Kurt makes love the same way he sings. He lets go of the restraints he keeps up in the outside world. He is pure and crystal clear, naked down to his beating heart in Blaine’s hands. Blaine knows he’ll never stop being grateful for this, for the way Kurt chants his name, nails digging into Blaine’s shoulders and body twisting to meet every thrust.  When he comes, Kurt’s legs tighten around Blaine’s waist, his heels digging into the small of his back, driving him deeper. Blaine loves the feeling of Kurt squeezing so tight and then relaxing all around him. He loves to push into him again and again as Kurt’s body goes soft and unbearably warm. Blaine comes whispering “I love you” against the corner of Kurt’s mouth.

///

“Is this okay?”

Kurt lifts his gaze up from the tomatoes he has been chopping. Blaine is holding up a package of penne.

“Yup.”

Blaine throws the package in the air and catches it, a bright grin on his lips.

“You remember last time when you spilled spaghetti all over the kitchen floor, right?”

Blaine shrugs, his curls are still wet from the shower and don’t bounce around as usual. Kurt still feels warm and loose, the ghost of Blaine inside of him still making his skin tingle.

Sometimes it doesn’t even feel real, what they have built for themselves on the ruins of their failed erasures. It took time to remember it all again, to learn all over again how to fit into each other’s lives. At first Kurt had been scared, but then, step after step, kiss after kiss, the world had shifted back into place. Waking up beside Blaine, sipping coffee at the kitchen table with his foot pressing against Blaine’s ankle, coming back home to Blaine’s music sheets piled on the coffee table and peeking out from under the couch. Everything is such a big part of his life that Kurt doesn’t remember how it was to live without.

Kurt slips around the kitchen isle and easily plucks the package out of Blaine’s hands.

“Hey!”

“I am the cook here, remember?”

Blaine’s arms squeeze at his waist as Kurt is weighing the pasta on the scale. Blaine’s breath is warm between his shoulder blades.

“A bottle of white, a bottle of red, perhaps a bottle of rose instead. We'll get a table near the street in our old familiar place. You and I, face to face.”

Kurt laughs and can feel Blaine’s matching grin through the thin cotton of his t-shirt.

“That song is about a restaurant, Blaine.”

Blaine chuckles.

“Well, you cooked me that lasagna and bought a bottle of Chianti for our second anniversary, don’t you remember? You are a bit like my personal Italian restaurant.”

“You are ridiculous.”

Blaine tugs at his t-shirt and Kurt turns around.

“You love me.”

Three words that hold more truth than anything else in the world. Blaine’s eyes are brimming with affection and wonder. Kurt wonders how can Blaine still be so amazed when it comes to what they feel for each other. How could Kurt not be completely in love with him? Beautiful, talented, kind Blaine who can paint the world brighter with a simple smile?

“Of course I do.”

Blaine tastes of coffee and a faint trace of strawberry jam. Kurt would gladly spend the whole day kissing him. But the water is boiling and the first guests will arrive soon. Kurt’s thumbs trace soothing circles over the triangles of Blaine’s hipbones as he pulls back.

“Later.”

Blaine’s eyes glint as his lips pull up in a grin.

“Deal.”

*

Kurt easily avoids tripping on Cooper’s stretched legs and makes his way to the table holding a bowl of fruit salad. Blaine is busy talking with Wes, hands flying around as he recounts the last concert. Wes had been busy with university, something about grading papers for his literature class, and had missed it.

Among the many things Kurt loves about Blaine there’s the way he cares about his friends, the way he truly opens himself up and trusts them. Kurt still remembers how betrayed by Rachel and Quinn he had felt when he had discovered they had known of the erasure all along. Now he knows they didn’t have any choice if they wanted to protect him, but he didn’t want to see it at first. Blaine, instead, didn’t yell at Wes’ face and didn’t shut him out. Kurt looks at them talking and knows down to the core of his bones that he wants to grow old by Blaine’s side.

“Hey, squirt! How did you manage to get Kurt here so hopelessly in love with you?”

Kurt spins around to face a grinning Cooper.

“I got lucky.”

Blaine’s voice is soft and gentle and Kurt’s heart skips a beat. He busies himself with serving the fruit. Quinn’s bracelets jingle as she reaches out to take her cup. Rachel is sitting on her lap, a tanned arm draped around Quinn’s shoulders.

“Thank you, baby.”

Kurt sits down on the patio’s floor right beside their chair. He doesn’t have much free time lately, what with helping Blaine promoting “One” and with the work over at the fashion firm. He likes being busy and coming home with his body buzzing, but he misses spending time with them.

They used to have brunch together in random small cafes or at Kurt’s apartment. Sometime they would watch old movies on Quinn and Rachel’s couch. Then Blaine joined them, after he and Kurt got back together. It felt absolutely right and a bit like being a family. The day Kurt opened the door and found Blaine holding up a picture of the old house on the beach in Montauk, Kurt’s heart had threatened to burst out of his chest and flop down on the landing. The thought of them having a house to call their own had burned like a star in his mind – blinding – but Kurt had known he was going to miss having his best friends close enough that he could knock on their door only fifteen minutes after having hung up the phone.

 “I miss you girls.”

Rachel smiles around a spoonful of fruit and Quinn’s hand comes up to squeeze at Kurt’s knee.

“We miss you too. We should do this more often.”

Kurt nods. He loves having space to be with Blaine freely, a place where they can make love on the living room’s floor or lounge on the patio trading kisses on warm evenings. But he also loves those summer weekends when Quinn and Rachel come over and sleep in the guest room.  To have Rachel blinking sleepily at him from behind a mug of coffee reminds him of their university years and of their small apartment in Bushwick. He likes the way there’s always noise filling up the house – laughter and conversation and songs.

Cooper’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts.

“Hey, Kurt! How long before I get to be an uncle?”

Kurt looks at him, grinning and waving his spoon around, then turns to look at Blaine. He is looking right back, his smile shy and hopeful. They have talked about children, soft whispers under the shared refuge of their blankets. Kurt knows Blaine would be a wonderful father. Sometimes, when Kurt looks at him sitting on the wooden stairs outside strumming his guitar, he can almost picture a little boy or girl sat beside him. They haven’t spoken about it with their friends yet. Their lives have been a whirlwind of moving to their new house and dreams coming true, moving fast enough to leave Kurt’s head spinning. He wanted to be sure before saying it out loud, but now, looking at Blaine his heart expands with happiness and certainty.

“Don’t you worry about it, Coop.”

“I knew it! Hurry up, Blainey.”

Blaine shakes his head, the smile on his face is almost blinding and Kurt’s heart literally leaps in his chest.

///

The sun is setting when they wave at their friends’ cars. A gentle breeze is playing with Kurt’s hair, his face painted pink by the light. Blaine looks at him and thinks about the gum-wrappers ring he made years ago. Now it rests on Kurt’s nightstand, right beside the postcard of Penn Station. When they moved into their new house Kurt told him he wanted them to be there because he didn’t want to forget ever again. Blaine kissed him then and he kisses him now. Kurt’s hand comes up to cup his cheek, Blaine can feel the coolness of the real ring he slipped on Kurt’s finger on their first anniversary. He isn’t afraid of forgetting, not anymore. After all, they have learned that the heart that truly loves never forgets.

THE END


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